Kind of like when you see someone at a party, and he knows your name and is super friendly, but you have no idea who he is, your dog is like that with you. And you’re the annoying guy who’s all like, “Hey, man. How’s it going? It’s so cool to see you again.”
Well, it’s not cool. And you’re not either. At least in your dog’s view. To him, you are nothing more than a possible food supplier and constant annoyance.
A new exclusive study commissioned by the Intergalactic Business Report reveals what many of us had sensed for years. That your dog’s jumpy enthusiasm is little more than a cynical act.
Although the study is thousands of pages, we’ve taken out these crucial excerpts that prove beyond any doubt that your “trusted” pet is a total dick.
1. Dogs wave their tails as a way of saying, “get the fuck away from me. I’ll hit you with this tail.” That’s why he wags it so furiously whenever you’re nearby.
2. Every time you leave the room, your dog totally forgets who you are. This isn’t because dogs have poor memories. It’s because you are so totally unimportant they choose to discard even tiny recollections of you.
3. If your dog had a phone, he would block your calls. Dogs communicate through sound, smell, and body language. But if it were possible for them to have phones, they would choose to ignore you completely, immersing themselves in screen time and YouTube videos. When you tried to call them, it would go straight to voicemail. Even if your message got through, they’d listen for a second and then erase it, assuming it was a telemarketer.
4. If you went to high school with your dog he wouldn’t say hi to you in the hallway. Imagine being trapped in a house with Myron Beatleneck, captain of the dork team at Central High. You’re Myron. Your dog is anyone else.
5. Your dog would blow you off at the mall. If your dog weren’t forced to hang out with you on weekends, she would tell you she’d meet you at the mall, but then when you got there she’d be with some other people and ignore you.
Kind of like in that song, “Sympathy for the Devil,” maybe you know the devil, but maybe you don’t and just think you do. Or maybe you do know him but you just can’t guess his name? That never made any sense to us.
Anyway, after years of searching for the real-life devil (and not ones from drugged out sixties songs) the Intergalactic Business Report finally located, captured, and interviewed the actual demon itself. Held in a small cage in an undisclosed location, he was contained only by our “cane of truth,” which we bought on the internet and which served to hold the door of his rickety cell shut.
These are the highlights of the mind-bending, metaphysical, life-shifting exchange:
INTERVIEWER: You are clearly the devil, but you go by the name “Ruben” for some reason. Why is that?
DEVIL: I was eating a Ruben sandwich when you pulled me out of the deli and threw me in a van. My name isn’t Ruben.
INTERVIEWER: Fair enough. But you don’t dispute that you are the devil. Is that correct?
DEVIL: I totally dispute that. My name is Mark _______, and I’m from ______. Please let me go. This is a huge misunderstanding. I won’t press charges. Just please let me go.
INTERVIEWER: You’ll understand if we blank out your name and where you’re from for the print version of this?
DEVIL: Can I please leave?
INTERVIEWER: I don’t know. Can you? All you need to do is remove the cane of truth and walk out of here.
(At this point in the interview, the Devil, also known as Mark Jeffries from Overland Park Kansas, removed the cane of truth and walked out of his cell. We quickly lost track of him as he broke into a devilish run and disappeared into an Uber, which appeared in an almost supernatural seven minutes. We pleaded with the devil to go back into his cage, but he was like, “get the fuck off me,” and acted like a total dick. Which is how you’d expect the devil to be.)
Follow up: Mark Jeffries, the devil, is suing us for a bunch of shit. Which is exactly what the devil would do.
Do you ever have those moments when you think, “you know, life is pretty great…”? Yeah, well forget about that and read this. As much as life offers you fleeting, feel-good moments, it also piles on the never-ending, feel-bad ones. Here’s a short list taken from a bigger list:
1. The checkout people at Walmart will always be slightly slower than the self-checkout machines. And the self-checkout machines are slower than shit.
2. One of your friends will always suddenly be a superfan of whoever’s predicted to win the super bowl, even though he’s never shown an interest in football ever.
3. When someone says you look like a celebrity, it will always be a super shitty one who’s ugly.
4. There is always a chance the avocado you just bought will have a huge fucking spider inside it.
5. You will never be able to maintain a steady buzz for more than thirty-five minutes.
6. That dude handling your food probably put his fingers up his butt.
7. You look stupid when you wear a hockey jersey. Really stupid.
8. You don’t have any deep political or philosophical views. You’re drunk.
9. You don’t really “love” all the people you’re hugging. You’re shit-faced.
10. When you say you’re going to kick someone’s ass, it means you’re just going to talk about kicking his ass, till everyone around you leaves because they’re sick of hearing you talk about it.
11. Everyone does not have a million-dollar idea. The one you think you have is a ten dollar and forty-eight cents idea.
12. You don’t have “street smarts.” You’re just dumb and that sounds better than saying, “I’m just dumb.”
13. There’s some dude on a yacht somewhere with a bunch of models who are going to sleep with him because he’s rich. That dude is not you.
We all know about Global Warming, and the Intergalactic Business Business Report feels the painful environmental pangs as well. That’s why we commissioned a massive, breakthrough scientific study to seek out the positive consequences of Global Warming normally ignored by the mass media.
This is what we've uncovered and it will change your life:
1. Food doesn’t have to be cooked anymore. Due to the busy nature of our readers, this is a real boon. Because the ambient temperatures of our atmosphere are so severely high, processed foods don’t have to be heated up in the microwave anymore. This means all you have to do is open a can of SpaghettiOs and eat directly out of the can with a fork. Just think, you’re late getting up and have an important meeting. You need food and all you have is SpaghettiOs in the pantry. You don’t have to take time to heat it up. Global Warming has done that for you. Your food is sterilized in advance. Open and eat. Take a bunch of cans with you and eat them all day without having to wait in a line or for a microwave. You will practically double your output. Also, do the same with hot dogs. Don’t cook them and pop them in your mouth. Suck on a “cold“ hot dog like a lollypop or puff on it like a cigar! If you drop a cold hot dog on the ground, it won’t get dirty. Global Warming has fixed that too. Everything is clean because it’s so hot.
2. A lost alien race awakens to help humanity. You’ve heard about all the glaciers melting, but have you heard about the lost alien city that was found underneath a melted glacier? High tech satellites located a vast alien structure millions of years old and we sent a team of interns to the area to investigate. The ancient city is inhabited by an octopoidal race of sentient beings with six foot, suctioned tentacles. But not to worry, according to the one intern who survived the trip, “The Old Ones” don’t mean us harm. During his insane sounding chattering and ramblings in the office hallways, he says he now has the privilege to carry one of the Old One’s embryos inside himself. Who knows what awesome things we’ll learn from this ancient race, now frozen until Global Warming woke them up!
3. Dogs and cats almost acquire sentience. We say “almost” because this one hasn’t quite happened yet, but we suspect it will. Wouldn’t it be cool if all the dogs and cats on the earth were sentient? Scientists have been studying canine and feline sentience for quite a while now, and we think it’s possible that due to some biological quirk, the hotter it gets, the smarter our pets get. Now we can just sit down and talk to them man to dog. We can make them do jobs and they will serve us even better. Humanity doesn’t have to do anything except watch cable and occasionally birth an octopoidal Old One embryo.
4. Corrolary to #1. We know some of you are pretty smart and doubting that you can eat SpaghettiOs out of the can without heating it up. You are probably thinking, “If Global Warming allows me to eat SpaghettiOs, whycome is frozen pizza still cold?” Answer: Global Warming isn’t just about things getting hot, it’s also about things getting cold too. Get it?
1. You will never look back on your life and wish you worked harder or spent more time in the office. Unless you spent most of your life not doing much and sitting around on your couch hoping something would happen. In that case, your biggest regret on your deathbed will be that you didn’t spend enough time working in an office and making something of yourself.
2. Everyone is going to die (including you). At least that’s what everyone says. In reality, it’s possible that there’s at least one immortal out there (like a vampire or a highlander) and if there’s one there could be others. Maybe it’s you. You really don’t know until you actually die, which hasn’t happened yet. Probably because you’re a highlander.
3. You will never be totally happy. Unless you win the lottery and have a super fulfilling relationship with your spouse, children, and friends. And if you get to drive a Lambo because you’re so fucking rich. Also, if you get to do whatever you want and go wherever you want whenever you want to, like, for instance, let’s say you’re drunk and you tell your limo driver to get you a corndog and he has to find you one or he’ll be fired. In that case, you’re leading a life where you are totally fulfilled and happy.
4. It is virtually impossible to suck your own dick. We think. But seriously, if you limbered up a lot and stretched all the time… We don’t know. It’s possible. So maybe don’t give up.
5. If you do end up sucking your own dick, you’ll probably find that you hate sucking dick. Or that you love it. Or that you’re not sure but you are sure that you’re not very good at it. We don’t know. So, again, keep trying.
6. There will always be someone who’s richer, more successful, and better looking than you. Or, maybe you could become the richest person in the world and then do a bunch of plastic surgery and work out all the time so that you actually are the most successful, richest, best-looking person in the world.
7. The most important thing in life is your relationships with your loved ones. Unless, of course, space aliens come down and they choose you to be the one human they’re going to communicate with, and then they ask if they should destroy Earth. And you have to be like, “guys, no. Don’t do that.” And then they’re like, “well, o.k. But we might change our mind tomorrow, so come back to the space ship and talk with us about it then.” And they do this every day, again and again. In that case, the most important relationship in your life would be with space creatures who want to destroy the planet. You should definitely neglect your family and friends in that case.
8. Your mom is never going to break up with Randy. No matter how many times she kicks him out, he’ll be back in her bedroom within days or even hours. Even though Randy will never replace your dad, you should just take him up on showing you how to do taxidermy, even though you’re pretty convinced that he has no formal training and is just mutilating dead animal carcasses.
9. You can’t take money and wealth with you when you die. Hmmm. Maybe that’s not true either. See our article on the afterlife.
10. Being a good person and treating people well is what will matter most in your life. Absolutely. But… What if you’ve spent most of your life being a total dick and everyone kind of knows you that way. Then you try being super nice and they all disrespect you and hate you. So, think about how much of a dick you are before you make any major changes to how you treat others.
“I don’t want to help you…” IBR’s motivational expert doesn’t see the point in sharing his success secrets with you, but he does have one request.
You’ve probably seen motivational speakers, self-help gurus, and life coaches try to sell you “systems” and books that will change you from a loser with no direction into a loser who pays them money and whose direction is to buy shit from them.
To counter this, the Intergalactic Business Report has enlisted its own success expert, who takes a different view on what he should do with his vast wisdom and universe-opening insights. Delver Synge sees no reason to share anything. See his note to us below:
Dear Intergalactic Business Report:
Although you’re the only publication I read, because you cut through the bullshit and offer even the dumbest human beings a shot at enlightenment with your arresting articles, solid advice, and breaking news no one else covers, I cannot accept your offer to share any of my motivational success knowledge with your readers.
Let me explain why. The only reason a motivational speaker or success coach “shares” his secrets is because his secret to wealth and success is selling you his shit. My shit is not for sale.
I wrote a book, which contains most of the answers to alleviate human suffering and turn even the sorriest loser into a millionaire with a hot wife, practically overnight. That book lies in a safe in my fortress-like mansion. It will be burned upon my death by one of my loyal servants with whom I will also never share my secrets, because if I did, they would move out and be as rich as I am and therefore useless to me.
Which is why I can’t give you my knowledge. If I let that happen, everyone would be successful and there would be no need for toll booth operators, hotel clerks, prostitutes, or even crossing guards at schools. Overnight, our society would collapse and be nothing more than mansions and Lamborghinis. Except that no one would be around to build any of those anymore, because all the auto workers and construction guys would be ordering their own luxury cars and trying to build their own sick mega compounds. You can imagine how horrible that would be for humankind, and especially for me, who would be suddenly average.
So, in conclusion, go fuck yourselves. And please tell anyone else who asks for more information about what I know and can do for them to also immediately fuck themselves too. They can do this any way they want, using outside tools and unapproved devices. I don’t really care, so long as they thoroughly fuck themselves and never ask me for anything again.
Thank you for your interest and I remain committed to hiding the secrets of the universe from you and everyone else.
Breaking motivational news: You are the average of your four best friends. Make sure they don’t suck.
In an exclusive study of self-help and motivational life coach type things, the Intergalactic Business Report has learned that you are the average of the four people you spend the most time with.
Our interpretation of this is that if you are a shut-in who lives with his cat, talks to a mailman every day, calls his mother once a week, and has a goldfish, then your personality is that of a cat/old woman/mail carrier/fish and that you sit alone in loserdom while you wait for an infomercial about how to be your best self to save you from your freakish misery.
If you are not that guy, then you may have four friends who are human, not related to you, and not there just to deliver your mail. In that case, we recommend highly you replace any of them that do not make you a super successful rich person who is totally fulfilled in every way.
Below we list three examples that represent what most people can do to break the cycle of bad averages and finally succeed in life.
1. In case number one, you are lucky enough to have three friends who are positive, successful, and offer you a “power source” of encouragement, advice, and connections. However, you also have Randy, who totally sucks in every way and is bringing down the average of the group and therefore you. In this case, you need to replace Randy with someone awesome, maybe recommended by your other three friends. If Randy has already moved into your place, you may have to leave, change your phone number, and stop paying rent/sell your home. Randy won’t understand this and will cause a problem with your landlord or potential buyers. This will fuck everything up for you and you’ll get depressed, start drinking too much, and talk about it non-stop with your other friends, which will cause Mike to bail on your friendship after you start crying about Randy at the bar. Now you only have two cool friends but they average together with Randy, because you haven’t officially gotten rid of him yet. Case number one sucks for you, so we suggest strongly you avoid it.
2. Case number two is a little trickier. Here, your best friends are Mike, Gerald, Randy, and Randy’s cousin, who is known by the nickname “Big Gulp.” Your average at this point sucks, but isn’t completely in the toilet… Yet… Then Randy and Big Gulp show up to Mike’s dinner party (that they were NOT invited to because Mike fucking hates them) and get drunk on shit they find in his liquor cabinet. Gerald is there too with his wife and Big Gulp says something to them about doing a three way. They try to laugh it off, but Big Gulp takes that as a sign that they’re into it and he starts taking off his clothes. That’s right when Mike discovers that Randy is drinking straight out his bottle of one-hundred-year-old Scotch. After that night, Gerald and Mike tell you that you have to choose between them and Randy and Big Gulp. You choose them, but it doesn’t matter because Gerald convinces Mike that you’re way more like Randy and his cousin than you are like him and Mike. Soon you are the average of Randy, Big Gulp, and some foreign exchange students they have room with them because they receive a check every month for being their host parents. We recommend avoiding being in case number two.
3. Case number three is probably the worst. In this one, you don’t even know Mike and Gerald. Well, maybe that’s a little harsh. You know them, because Mike works at your office, and Gerald (who’s in super good shape) jogs past your crappy apartment building, and also is dating your ex, who you know is saying she was only with you because she thought you might kill yourself if she left. Your roommates? You guessed it: Randy and Big Gulp. But it’s even worse, because Randy is dating your mom again, so she’s basically moved in with you because she’s always doing it with Randy in the master bedroom, which he got because he has a girlfriend. Meanwhile, you and Big Gulp share the other bedroom. Your mom, Randy, and Big Gulp are your average, therefore, till Big Gulp gets a mail order bride from Russia and she brings her dad (who’s like the most angry, evil drunk you’ve ever met) with her. Now you’re all living together and you’ve reached five people. In this scenario, you turn into a total prick and absolute loser who has only fleeting moments of self-awareness, usually when you see Gerald jogging and you think, “I should probably start jogging.” Then Vitaly, the mail order bride’s dad, hits you in the fucking stomach super hard and hands you a shot of vodka. Really really avoid case number three.
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