Eight simple ways you can make yourself look more attractive. Use these tricks to instantly be hot.10/22/2021 Eight tricks to become instantly attractive.
1. Have the type of face where people look at it and say, “Woah, that person is really attractive.” 2. Start not looking like the kind of person who most people wouldn’t have sex with even for a lot of money or on a dare where someone says there’s no way you’ll fuck that dude and the person does it because she’s crazy and that’s her trigger to do self-destructive shit. 3. Seek out currently hypnotized people and tell them when they wake up they’ll think the first person they see is super attractive. Then snap your fingers and try to be right in their face when they come to. 4. Your nose. 5. Put your hands over your face like you’re experiencing a tragedy. When people ask what’s wrong, tell them you’re overwhelmed by how attractive you are. 6. Be hotter by making others around you not hot by comparison. For example, stand next to someone and smear poo on him. Then quickly put your poo hand in your pocket so it’s not visible. Now it’s between you and how you look and the other person who has shit all over his face. 7. Start an exclusive program that sounds too good to be true and features you becoming instantly attractive and everyone has to say, “Woah, how did that happen?” And you’re just like, “Yeah, pay for my exclusive program and find out how.” With this one you not only become instantly more attractive, you also might get rich. Bonus. 8. Instead of being conventionally ugly, rebrand yourself as unconventionally attractive. Readers are angry. This week, the Intergalactic Business Report shares their comments when asked the question, “What really pisses you off about life?”
“When you have to call your doctor ‘Doctor,’ but he calls you by your first name.” —Jeff Mansbury, Crete Station New York. “When you create fire for the first time and everyone’s just standing there like ‘what the fuck is that?’” —Ed Mountaineer, IBR writer. “When restaurants want a tip for picking up carryout.” —Brenda Entwhistle, Normandy Utah. “When you dress up like a clown for a job interview and they’re like, ‘why are you dressed like that?’” —Ed Mountaineer, IBR writer. “When celebrities who live in huge mansions take up causes to help poor people.” —Barry Sumner, Los Altos Creek, California. “When you scream your order at the restaurant and the waiter’s like, ‘why are you screaming?’” —Ed Mountaineer, IBR writer. “When American companies use cheap foreign labor in sweatshops abroad.” —Perry Clark-Winstead, Fornton New Jersey. “When you enter a mall store and everyone’s like, ‘is that guy playing with himself in front of the Footlocker display?’” —Ed Mountaineer, IBR writer. “When people are fat and other people are starving.” —Stella Peabody, Langstead Virginia. “When you try to live in a tree and people are like, ‘why is that guy in my backyard playing with himself in my tree and trying to look in my window?’” —Ed Mountaineer, IBR writer. “When justice is reserved for the wealthy.” —Patricia Moody, West Orange Georgia. “When you forget where your penis is and you finally find it and everybody’s like, ‘why is that guy whacking off in front of that Footlocker display?’” —Ed Mountaineer, IBR writer. Afraid people might think you’re poor, uneducated, or super uneducated? Turns out people can figure out your social class based on the first words that come out of your mouth.
This week, the Intergalactic Business Report follows science by releasing a fascinating new study* proving this out. If you use any of these sentences to open a conversation, you have given away your social class. “Do you have any Grey Poupon?” “I live under that rock over there and I just came out to try to steal from you.” “GRRRRR, ARGGHHHHH….. Boobies!” “Me have first grade education—is pleasure to meat you.” “Are you one of my servants because it’s hard for me to remember when you have as many servants as I do.” “Mah pet Beaver chewed mah balls off, what’s yer name?” “Does this jar say ‘Penis Butter’ cause I can’t read it right.” “Pardon me, rube, but can you break a thousand-dollar bill—haw haw haw, huzzah!” *If you’re not sure what a “study” is, it’s a thing where after it’s done, people can say, “there was this study done where,” and then they just say whatever. Also it’s science. |
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