The Intergalactic Business Report asked scientists* what they considered the worst drink you could put in your body and we were surprised to learn it was the “Monkey Shit Surprise.” We highly recommend you DON’T drink one, even if it seems like a good idea at the time**.
Below, we give you the details of the drink.
MONKEY SHIT SURPRISE:
Two parts pure monkey shit.
One shot Aviation Gin.
Splash of soda.
Surprise! You’re drinking monkey shit.
*Some dudes at a bar.
**We tried one.
Every year you have the power to buy something you didn’t design or build yourself and hand it to someone with the expectation that the object you paid for somehow is a sign of how generous and amazing you are.
As gifts are unwrapped, you wait in anxiety, hoping your choices will be met with orgasmic cheer and crying. But what if it’s a fake orgasm? Through a deep psychological review, the Intergalactic Business Report finds that very often humans exhibit subtle “tells” and cues that indicate their approval or disapproval of a gift. If you see your recipient doing or saying any of these, they may not like their gift.
1. They mention, after unwrapping it, that they “didn’t invite you here” and that its “awkward when you show up and bring creepy gifts nobody asked for.” They add, “Is this monkey shit?”
2. They are very polite before opening the gift, but as soon as it is unwrapped they scream something about why did you put monkey shit in a box and wrap it and then give it to them.
3. They are constantly dialing the police and telling them that some guy they vaguely know from work came by and gave them gift-wrapped monkey shit.
4. They are distracted from the gift opening itself and steer the conversation towards other things, like why you would give someone monkey shit for Christmas.
5. Instead of appreciating the gift for its emotional relevance, they discuss it more intellectually, and ask where you found monkey shit and why you would think it was a good idea to package it as a gift and bring it to them.
6. They touch the gift and get monkey shit all over their hands and fingers. Something about this makes them lose their mind and they spend the next few minutes in a panic, running around the room, saying stuff like, “Get it off me!” and “What the fuck is this? Did someone say it's monkey shit?”
7. They say they really really like the gift, but you sense that can’t be true because you gave them a box of monkey shit.
For many this holiday, giving gifts will be the highlight of the season. Nothing compares to watching someone’s eyes light up as they receive that perfect present you ingeniously chose and paid money for. But what if you chose poorly? And instead of eyes lighting up, you just see a mouth saying, “What the fuck?” in horror?
To save you from misery, the Intergalactic Business Report lists 7 items you may have bought as gifts for friends and family this year. If you thought these were a good idea, you were wrong. Remove them immediately from their spot under the Christmas tree and return (or just burn) them today.
ITEM ONE: Monkey shit.
REASON NOT TO GIFT IT: Since when would anyone want monkey shit for Christmas? What is wrong with you? You actually paid for monkey shit and then wrapped it up and were about to give it to someone as a gift? How much did you pay? You’d think it’d be free because who would pay for monkey shit?
ITEM TWO: Human cadaver.
REASON NOT TO GIFT IT: You thought maybe the recipient could use it to study anatomy, but you can’t just steal a body from a cadaver lab and wrap it as a gift. It stinks. It’s rotting. It’s under your tree. We hate to say this again, but what the fuck is wrong with you?
ITEM THREE: Puzzle box that opens the gates of Hell.
REASON NOT TO GIFT IT: Like the Rubick’s Cube craze of the 1980’s, the Gates of Hell Puzzle Box gives someone the opportunity to solve a complex puzzle and feel great about his intellect when it’s over. Unfortunately, the Gates of Hell Puzzle Box also opens the gates of Hell, which means everyone will be sucked away into the darkness of eternal damnation as soon as it’s completed. Question: Where the fuck did you find a Gates of Hell Puzzle Box?
ITEM FOUR: Bag of money you stole from a drug lord.
REASON NOT TO GIFT IT: While it seems grandiose and cool to present someone with a gigantic duffel of cash, your fucking life is in danger. You need to arrange a way to get that money back to the drug lord and you have to RUN. Leave the fucking country. What the fuck were you thinking?
ITEM FIVE: Vipers.
REASON NOT TO GIFT IT: They bite and are impossible to catch once they slither out of the gift box.
ITEM SIX: Cursed objects from ancient temples, pirate ships, or turn-of-the-century brothels.
REASON NOT TO GIFT IT: The main reason is that they’re CURSED. That’s a bad thing in case you didn’t understand. Jesus.
ITEM SEVEN: Food from famous movies.
REASON NOT TO GIFT IT: Yeah. Emilio Estevez was eating that sandwich in the Breakfast Club and it's kind of cool that you have it now. But that sandwich is from thirty-five years ago. How much did you pay for that anyway? Did Emilio Estevez sell it to you or something? Why the fuck would he hold on to a sandwich for 35 years? You didn’t take a bite of it, did you? Jesus.
Recent scholarly research has pointed to the fact that apathy, or loss of interest, can be an early indicator of Alzheimer’s disease. Defining apathy is crucial to an early diagnosis, so the Intergalactic Business Report has issued a short test you can self-administer to see your risk factor.
If you have any of the following indicators, then you have apathy:
INDICATOR ONE: Not caring about your appearance.
YOUR BEHAVIOR: On Sunday mornings you wear sweats covered in nasty stains that are probably old jizz or gyro sauce. You leave your place and walk around in them to get coffee. Your hair looks like ass. When you’re waiting for your coffee you notice someone in line who also works with you. This person mistook you for a homeless person but now recognizes you. You shrug, get your drink, think about saying hi, but don’t. See you at work, you guess.
INDICATOR TWO: Social disengagement.
YOUR BEHAVIOR: When your friend tells the story about how he met his girlfriend for the four thousand and eighty-seventh time and he looks at you for approval because you’re supposed to smile or laugh or piss your pants because it’s so awesome they met at a grocery store, and you realize you stopped caring after the first time he told you the story and even then you didn’t really give a shit.
INDICATOR THREE: Irresponsible consumption.
YOUR BEHAVIOR: At a bar, you decide to have a fourth drink, even though that’s clearly going to send you to loopy land. Your brain says, “whatever,” and you do it. Later, after 14 drinks, you have an Uber drive you around to find this burger place that’s open late night but you can’t remember what it’s called or where it is. The driver says, “Should I just take you home?” And you say, “I don’t care,” which is a clear sign of apathy. Then you puke in his car, also because you don’t care.
INDICATOR FOUR: Loss of interest in sports.
YOUR BEHAVIOR: Randy is a Packers fan. That’s all he ever talks about. He recites stats about his team. You can’t recall any of it. He mentions players’ names. They sound like characters from Star Wars and you quickly forget them. He keeps talking, but instead of taking in the information, you just blankly stare back at him and mouth the words, “I. Don’t. Care.”
INDICATOR FIVE: Not caring about public spaces.
YOUR BEHAVIOR: At a gas station bathroom you slowly alter the trajectory of your pee stream so that it hits the wall. You understand that someone, probably a miserable teenager, will have to clean it up, but you don’t care.
INDICATOR SIX: Loss of caring about major social issues.
YOUR BEHAVIOR: Your friend invites you to lunch and spends the next two-and-a-half hours talking about voter rights, constitutional amendments, and politicians you’ve never heard of. Or have you? You think about saying something, open your mouth, and then she keeps talking and you realize that your role in the conversation is that you don’t care.
INDICATOR SEVEN: Lack of appreciation for children.
YOUR BEHAVIOR: Your friends have kids. They tell you about them all the time. Their kids are amazing. They are successful at everything they do. They’re great athletes. They get perfect grades. They’re going to go to elite colleges. They have interests you never had when you were a kid because you didn’t know you wanted to study finance at NYU when you were 11. Their kids speak three different languages and started their own charity to help displaced orphans in a war-torn country whose name you can’t remember because you don’t care.
It’s not often you get to eavesdrop on a conversation between two famous creatures like Santa Claus and Rudolph. Listen in now:
RUDOLPH: Hey, man. What up?
SANTA: Not much.
SANTA: What’re you doin’?
RUDOLPH: Why are you always creeping around this barn?
SANTA: Just saying hi and stuff.
RUDOLPH: To all the reindeer?
RUDOLPH: You need to say hi every day?
SANTA: Why you being a dick right now?
RUDOLPH: How is that being a dick?
SANTA: I’m not allowed to say hi to reindeer now?
RUDOLPH: I didn’t say you weren’t allowed. You’re Santa or whatever.
SANTA: Yeah I am. And you’re a fucking reindeer.
RUDOLPH: Yeah, duh.
RUDOLPH: Hey, Santa?
RUDOLPH: That’s for tomorrow. Now you don’t have to come back.
SANTA: Fuck you, man.
RUDOLPH: Reindeer fucker.
SANTA: (Just leaves and doesn’t say anything, like a total pussy).
RUDOLPH: (Stands there like a boss and looks down at his huge reindeer dick).
(Editor’s note: This transcript was submitted by Rudolph and is his personal account of what transpired during his conversation with Santa Claus. We stand by it as being 100% accurate.)
Insights are given to you as a gift from our team of insight insiders.