You exercise. You eat right. At least for a while. Then it all comes crashing down one day when you realize all your work has had no effect, because you just got fat again. All it takes is eating a little too much over the holidays or having a dessert or a drink every other week. Your fat ass is only getting fatter, fatty. But if you follow these three simple rules, you’ll never feel guilty again.
1. Just get drunk. What makes you feel better about your weight than getting a little (or a lot) shit-faced? Sure, when you crack the first beer or start guzzling an early evening gimlet, you have remorse. You think, “why the fuck am I drinking right now? These are all empty calories.” But if you keep drinking, which of course you should, pretty soon you’ll be questioning the whole concept of “empty calories.” How can something so “empty” fill up your soul so completely? Answer: because the diet people are full of shit and you look awesome. Now let’s get another round.
2. Try to actively get fatter. That’s right. Say fuck you to the whole “weight loss” and “healthy lifestyle” strategy and reverse it. Picture these as a person who’s a total asshole and who’s been berating you, criticizing you, and making you miserable since the first day your body gave up being young and made every taco you ate into a man boob or cellulite deposit. Then look Dr. Chadwick Healthyway right in his beady eyes as you shove a fatburger in your fat face. Watch him melt in anguish.
3. Become your own plus plus size model. Buy clothes that are two sizes too big for yourself and then lament the fact that you’re not fat enough to fit into them. Make a super big deal about this around other people and just when you’re sitting around eating. Always be like, “I’m never gonna fit in that dress/blouse/tanktop/mesh onesy. Does anyone know how to gain more weight fast?” If anyone asks you what you’re talking about just announce, “oh, you didn’t know? I’m a model. My agent wants me to gain a hundred pounds for our next shoot. But I don’t know how I’m going to do it.” Answer: see number two on our list. And number one. Why not? Can’t hurt.
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