 Whether you’re a first time or frequent traveler, you may be unaware of the many rules, regulations, and mysteries regarding your passport. The Intergalactic Business Report gives you the seven most common mistakes people make with their identification when they travel abroad. The next time you take a trip to a foreign land, never do these things with your passport:
Hide it in your butt. While this seems like the safest place to store important documents, remember that on a trip to another country, you may be asked to take your passport out frequently. If it’s up your butt, this will make it harder to do and you may hold up lines while you reach inside your butt to grab your passport, which is in your butt. Let your pet monkey hold the passport in a lanyard around its neck. As discussed in number one (above) this may be the safest place to store your passport because people are generally afraid of monkeys (especially yours since it is aggressive and looks like it will rip your face off), but monkeys are not allowed in airports or on airplanes, unless they’re service animals and there’s no way Bon Bon is a service animal unless his “service” is to take shits on the floor and rip people’s faces off. Write an ancient spell into your passport book. First, you’re not supposed to write anything but your signature in your passport. Second, if you write an ancient spell, and a security person or an airline employee reads it out loud, it could open a portal to a netherworld or turn their face into a demon. Try to teleport your passport to your destination. It doesn’t work. You’ll find it at home when you get back from the airport where they told you that you can’t get on the flight because you don’t have your passport and you were like, “It’s O.K. I teleported it” and they’re like, “That’s not a thing” and then you’re in your crappy apartment trying to re-calibrate the teleporter, which is a piece of shit. Pee on it to get the jellyfish stuff off. There are a lot of urban legends about how urine can stop the sting of jellyfish stings, but they’re not true. Pee can be used to sterilize something, and that’s probably where they get that from. Also, you can drink your own pee. Remove your picture and paste in one of a known terrorist. While hilarious, you will probably get shot or something. Also hilarious. When asked for it, you take it out and run it through your butt crack like it’s a credit card and your butt cheeks can read the magnetic strip. Many people do this because it seems like a good way to break the ice with TSA agents and customs officials, but surprisingly, they hate it. If you feel like you must, at least say something like, “I don’t think it’s working,” and then run it again and keep saying stuff like, “This has never happened before. I don’t know why it won’t accept it.”  Money is the number one impetus for couples arguing, according to what you hear people say when they talk about couples arguing. Also sex. That’s another thing they argue about. But we’re not doing a thing about sex arguments because we don’t even get that. Like, are they fighting about which hole to put it in or something? Instead of figuring that out, we’re doing the one about money.
We asked ourselves why money leads to so many arguments and discovered some answers that may shock you. Below we list the nine most common mistakes couples make when discussing money. Avoid doing all these if you want to have a healthy financial rapport with your spouse: 1. Threatening to conjure 18th century dentists to perform oral surgery on your wife while she’s sleeping. 2. Assuming you are both on the same page when it comes to eliminating debt by twerking it away. 3. Instead of listening to your spouse’s concerns about setting a grocery budget, you stick your hands down your pants and start screaming that you think the devil just sewed your fingers to your penis. 4. Getting into endless arguments about how Confederate money is making a comeback and then proving it by burning all your “union” money in the back yard while you whistle dixie. 5. Offering to show your butthole to your banker. 6. Referring to the “anal clause” in your wedding contract and when your spouse asks you what the fuck you’re talking about, you just mutter something about how it has to do with money and that you’re happy to call the priest who married you to confirm. 7. Both having a totally different idea of what the word “money” means so that when you’re saying it, you mean “hot dog with everything,” and when your spouse is saying it, they mean, “currency” or “investments” or “cash.” 8. Insisting that the “bank” is your butt and saying stuff like “bank on it” and “time to make a deposit in the bank” and “you can take that to the bank.” 9. Telling your wife you have a rainy-day fund and then stripper showering her with small bills. |
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