We joke about it. We laugh as we recount how much we ate or how drunk we got last Thanksgiving. It’s funny to think about eating so much you can’t walk or having so much to drink that you forget the entire day. But new medical advice* curated by the Intergalactic Business Report reveals that not being able to walk or being black out drunk may actually be bad for your health. In the worst cases, your holiday antics could land you in a coffin.
We outline seven signs you may have had too much:
1. You’re talking to your uncle, but he’s also Jesus.
2. Someone keeps saying, “Stay with us!” and you’re lying on a cart or something and it’s getting pushed really really fast down a hallway.
3. Your grandfather is bitching at you again about how you drink too much. But he’s been dead for 17 years.
4. There’s a light ahead and you feel like you need to get to it, but when you arrive, you’re too fat.
5. You’re asked if you want a drumstick and you decide to make it interesting by not answering right away and instead reciting some poetry you wrote, and everyone seems to like it a lot, like maybe they’d buy your book if you had a book of poetry, but actually you’re not talking because you died a few minutes earlier and someone else ate the last drumstick anyway because no one every offers you the fucking drumstick.
6. Everyone around you keeps asking, “Is he dead?” They don’t look super worried though.
7. When you grab for a beer, your hand passes through the bottle. You keep trying to grab it but it never works. Then you concentrate super hard and you knock the bottle off the table and everyone in the kitchen is like, “What the fuck was that?” And you’re like, “Can someone please get me a beer?” And someone says, “I think I heard something.” And someone else says, “I think I felt something. It was awful. It felt like (your name) was here for a second.” Someone else just says, “Ewww.”
*All advice given is 100% medical, which is like being scientific, only more having to do with doctors or your body or medicine.
After food hoarding for close to a year, it may be time for a freezer check to rethink what nastiness you thought you would need when you entered the pandemic. A new warning issued by the Intergalactic Business Report lists seven items you should get rid of right now if you were dumb enough to store them in your ice box.
ITEM ONE: Monkey shit.
REASON TO TOSS IT: Why did you think it was a good idea to store monkey shit in your freezer? That’s incredibly fucked up. We can’t come up with a single reason why that was a good idea.
ITEM TWO: Photos of you committing crimes.
REASON TO TOSS IT: Why would you keep pictures of yourself robbing banks and stuff? That’s so fucking stupid. Do you realize if people searched your house they could find these in your freezer and then what would you say? “That’s not me in the picture…”? You’re so fucking stupid.
ITEM THREE: Space alien head.
REASON TO TOSS IT: First, how do you even know it’s a space alien? Where the fuck did you even get it? If it actually is from another universe don’t you think it could taint all your food somehow? Why didn’t you give it to some scientists? Oh.. You were going to try to sell it? Where? On fucking Ebay? Oh my god, you’re so dumb.
ITEM FOUR: Ice-activated explosives.
REASON TO TOSS IT: O.K. Why do you have any explosives in the first place? Let’s start there. And then, dumbass, you found some that were activated by ice? And you put them in your freezer? Are you fucking stupid? Answer: yes. That’s so clear.
ITEM FIVE: Priceless art.
REASON TO TOSS IT: What about freezing priceless art did you think was a good idea?
ITEM SIX: Chemicals that say, “DO NOT FREEZE.”
REASON TO TOSS IT: It says right on the label, “DO NOT FREEZE,” yet you went ahead and did that, didn’t you?
ITEM SEVEN: Frozen demons.
REASON TO TOSS IT: So, you found some evil creatures who can only survive if they keep frozen and you gave them sanctuary in your freezer? All you had to do was say, “No, you’re demons. Find some other place to live,” and they probably would have just died in your driveway or something. Did they promise you something? No? You didn’t get paid or offered some evil powers or anything? You did that for free? Jesus. What is wrong with you?
Does your cat rub his head into your leg or sniff things? Does she make noises like meowing and purring? Ever wonder why?
The Intergalactic Business Report does what no other publication in the universe has done before and gives you an article about cat behavior. Below, we break down the meaning behind all your kitty’s peculiarities:
WHAT DOES IT MEAN WHEN MY CAT PURS?
Purring is a communication tool that cats use to show affection, nervousness, or, according to some theories, to convey a warning that they are carrying a deadly disease that is passed on by purring.
WHY DOES MY CAT SOUND LIKE SHE'S SAYING THINGS?
Many people think they “hear” something when their cat makes noises. But rest assured, your cat is not saying, “Kill your boss. He is the key giver. Take his soul and have the key delivered unto thee.”
WHY DOES MY CAT CALL ME “WEAK” AND GIVE ME ADVICE THAT SEEMS SMART BUT JUST KEEPS GETTING ME ARRESTED WHEN I DO IT?
Maybe you’re just a little bitch. And you need to step up. Are you worried about jail time or something? Men aren’t. Oh, but you aren’t a man. You’re a little bitch. I forgot.
MY CAT CLEARLY ISN’T A FINANCIAL ADVISOR, BUT SHE ACTS LIKE SHE KNOWS EVERYTHING ABOUT THE MARKETS. SHOULD I STOP FOLLOWING HER INVESTMENT STRATEGY? SHE SAYS SHE’LL MAKE ME RICHER THAN “CAT SHIT,” BUT ALL HER STOCK PICKS HAVE BEEN GARBAGE SO FAR. ALSO, IS “CAT SHIT” GOOD OR SOMETHING?
Investing in the stock market takes patience and is a “long game.” Don’t get spooked by some initial declines in your portfolio. Stay the course and you will find that, years down the road, your investments have grown into pure cat shit.
IS IT WEIRD THAT MY CAT SHITS ON MY FACE WHILE I’M SLEEPING?
Is it weird you have a face that makes a cat want to shit on it?
IS MY CAT WRITING THESE ANSWERS?
ARE YOU SURE?
This is why you have no friends. You have zero confidence.
DO YOU WANT ME TO GET YOU CAT TREATS?
Open the bag and leave it on the couch. I don’t want to see your face right now. Until I shit on it later, when you’re asleep.
There are a lot of reasons people do elections, but I think one of the most important reasons is to elect people. I wanted to write this column today to urge readers of the Intergalactic Business Report to elect me, which you would do by voting for me instead of other people.
Let me explain how that works: instead of choosing someone else when you vote, you vote for me. Oh, and I want to be president, so choose that one. Anyway… Here are seven reasons you should do that.
1. Voting for me is considered “cool” and trendy. After your vote for me, people will be like, “Who did you vote for?” And you can say, “Ed Mountaineer,” and they’ll say something like, “Oh, are you rich and know celebrities now or something?”
2. You know what my penis looks like. Can you say that about other candidates? Think about the peace of mind you could have by saying to yourself, “Yup, that’s the President of the United States and I know exactly what his dick looks like.”*
3. News flash: everyone is voting for Ed Mountaineer now. You should do that too. There’s stuff on the news about this. It just flashed you.
4. Think about the relief you’ll feel when you leave the voting booth and can scream that you voted for me to all the other voters as they change their minds and vote for me too. I’m being told that’s illegal, so whisper that in a loud whisper to everyone. Oh, I guess don’t do that either. So how the fuck is everyone going to know what to do? They may not even know how to spell my name unless you tell them. Fuck this. This is hard.
5. Now I’m pissed off and don’t even want to write reason number five. I think my anger started on point number four (above) when someone told me I can’t tell people to shout my name at a polling station. Freedom of speech. That’s all I’m saying.
6. I was hoping to get to seven reasons, but now I feel like I’m done writing. Goodbye.
*This one only applies to the people who have seen my penis. If you haven’t seen it, that’s weird, but I guess then there are only six reasons you should vote for me.
Ed Mountaineer is an opinion columnist for the Intergalactic Business Report. He was hired after we encountered him at a Taco Bell. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org. If you would like to hire Ed, please see his résumé here.
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