 Guilt. It’s one of the worst feelings you can feel and sometimes it seems inescapable. If you’re eaten alive by remorse, you may be experiencing a brain function you have no control over. The Intergalactic Business Report offers a scientific answer for your pain. Below, we break down what happens as your mind processes “guilt.”
SITUATION ONE: You have unprotected anal sex with someone claiming to be the “devil” and when it’s over you eat a birthday cake you find on the floor near the bed. WHAT YOUR BRAIN DOES: A signal is sent from your brain and it says, “Are you actually eating a birthday cake you found on the floor after you had sex with someone who said they're the devil? Why did you do anal? Are you stupid?” SITUATION TWO: At a bar, someone asks if you want a Gorilla Fart, and you’re so drunk you don’t care whether it’s a shot of alcohol or a gorilla farting in your mouth. Turns out it’s alcohol but the effect is the same. You start screaming at people sitting around the bar. You ask them if they too want a gorilla fart and then you shit your pants. Your new boss is one of the people and asks if you’re an alcoholic. You tell him if an alcoholic is someone who bitch slaps little bitches like him then yes. WHAT YOUR BRAIN DOES: The morning after the incident, your brain processes the information and neurally transmits a message back to you. It is pretty straightforward: “Did you think it was a good idea to get shit-faced in front of your boss when you were getting appetizers before dinner at an out-of-town conference? That’s so fucking stupid. Now you’re fired and you still have to fly home in a seat next to him. It’s a four-hour fucking flight. Do you have any idea how uncomfortable that’s going to be? And why did you fling poo at him after you crapped yourself? You cleared out the bar and the restaurant over E. coli concerns. You are the dumbest piece of shit in the universe. Did you know that?” SITUATION THREE: Some guy named Melvin says he’s your son and you believe him even though there’s no way it’s possible considering he’s obviously older than you and is from a country you’ve never heard of. But you go along with it anyway as he demands repayment for the money he spent on his college degree in Contemporary Issues Management at a university you can’t find anywhere on the internet but which is apparently super fucking expensive. And now you’re writing checks to him and putting up his enormous family at your place and they eat a shit ton of food and have really bad hygiene. And they’ve starting beating you when their sports teams lose. WHAT YOUR BRAIN DOES: A week into your new living situation, your brain begins to make sense of what has happened and basically gives up trying to help you. It sends a final message to you that sounds like this: “O.K., man. I tried. I really really tried. But you’re beyond help. You are without a doubt the dumbest, most worthless, mentally deficient human being on planet Earth. You deserve every horrifying thing that happens to you because it’s almost like you seek out drama and perversion on a scale that overwhelms me and makes it impossible to intervene and prevent you from making one apocalyptic poor decision after the next. Good luck to you, and please don’t contact me again. Brain: Out.”  Dear guys. Ever notice the hole or slit built into your underwear? Ever wonder what it’s for? Today, the Intergalactic Business Report gives you the crazy reasons behind this sartorial anomaly.
The purpose behind the little hole in men’s underwear: 1. To put your dick through it to pee. 2. You could also just put your dick through it and not pee. (The peeing part is really up to you.) 3. If you didn’t have the hole you could just pull down your underwear to pee. 4. But you have the hole right there if you want it.  Until a week ago, I had never considered drinking non-alcoholic beer. To be truthful, I never thought of drinking non-alcoholic anything. What’s the point, I thought? The reason we drink is to catch a little buzz and lighten up a bit.
Nevertheless, I gave it a try for my "Dry January" column for the Intergalactic Business Report. What happened next surprised me. After not drinking alcohol for a week, I noticed some striking changes in my life. I share all of them below: -I felt as if I could make a reasonable assessment of who the people I was speaking to were. -I stopped urinating in my pants as I sat in front of the t.v. that I can’t figure out how to control (see below). -I discovered a calculator device that, when pressed, seems to make the television turn on and sometimes switch programs if you wait long enough. -I found that my voice has different “volumes,” which I can alter simply by thinking to my brain. Previously, I had thought there was only one sound level. -I lost my desire to see what I could fit up my butt.* -Neighborhood children stopped calling me, “AHHHHHHH! Here he comes!” -I successfully had sex with fruit without losing my erection. -I called an old friend who wasn’t my sixth-grade school librarian who has a restraining order against me even though she’s in an elder care facility and you’d think she’d like the attention because who the fuck would want to call her? -I stopped filming my poop.** -I gave back the otter to that kid. -I ceased the obscene “Mr. T” phone calls to my mom. -I came to the understanding that my robot is a mannequin I stole from a sporting goods store and that it doesn’t really love me even though the sex was consensual. -I realized that you cannot give yourself martial arts training if you have no experience in martial arts. -I stopped construction of the “troll hole” I was building to tunnel into my neighbor’s house. -I no longer am able to use the time portal in my bathroom that allowed me to enter other dimensions. *Some have suggested this is because I have “run out of things,” but I contend it is the not drinking. Even though I have run out of things. **Old films are still available. Hit me up. Cedric Bigglestone is a self-taught journalist who exposes things through exposés. Contact him at [email protected].  Jonny says stop doing this. The Intergalactic Business Report’s fitness expert, Jonny Ripkin, creator of the Shred and Fed Diet, tells you what you need to know to get in shape post-holiday.
THE NUMBER ONE QUESTION: The number one question people ask me is, “How do I get in shape after spending the last two months eating like a circus freak who’s whole thing is to eat so much in front of an audience that no one believes it’s possible?” My answer is always the same: If you think weight loss has anything to do with how much food you shove in your mouth then you’re stupider than you look. DID YOU JUST CALL ME STUPID? Yes, I just called you stupid. You’re stupid because you have a very low IQ and struggle with basic math skills and have a limited vocabulary. But you’re also stupid because you keep getting fatter and fatter, year after year, and you never do what it takes to break the cycle. OK, MAYBE I AM STUPID. HOW DO I BREAK THE CYCLE OF BEING SO FAT, JONNY? You break it by finally not listening to every piece of advice you’ve received in the past from so called “fitness” and “nutrition” experts and instead start listening to me. BUT JONNY… THOSE FITNESS AND NUTRITION EXPERTS KNOW WHAT THEY’RE TALKING ABOUT, RIGHT? Wrong. And I’ll tell you why. Most “experts” believe that your body burns fat and loses weight when you take in fewer calories than you expend and when you increase your metabolism through exercise. But what if I told you that eating cheeseburgers and barely moving was the actual way you to achieve optimum weight loss? WAIT A SECOND. DID YOU JUST SAY I CAN EAT CHEESEBURGERS AND NEVER LEAVE THE COUCH? That’s what I said. And this is how it works. Your body is always striving to be efficient and productive. It wants to burn fat and keep you healthy. Ever have a bad disease? Your body tries to heal you by fighting it. Ever have a sexually transmitted disease? You need penicillin or your dick falls off. My program is kind of like an STD in that way. If you get it, your dick may fall off. THAT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. Oh, really? Maybe what doesn’t make sense is that you’ve been trying the same thing, every year, over and over, and never getting results. O.K. JONNY. JUST TELL ME HOW I CAN EAT LIKE CRAP AND NOT MOVE AND STILL LOSE WEIGHT. Without going into the science, I’ll try to explain this as simply as I can. That body of yours is working hard all the time, like I said. Every time you go on a diet or exercise plan, it says, “Great! Jeff’s trying to get in shape. I should help him!” But after the fortieth time, your body just says, “Seriously, Jeff? You’re trying this again?” Instead of helping you, your body is pissed off and just bails on you, making it impossible to lose weight or get in shape. MY BODY IS PISSED OFF AT ME? That’s right. It is totally disgusted by you and with good reason. Your fat ass promises every year that it’s going to get “shredded” and “fit.” And after a few weeks you’re back to eating wings and drinking beer and looking like a hippo someone accidentally fed three hundred supreme pizzas to. Wouldn’t you be pissed off too? I SUCK. WHAT CAN I POSSIBLY DO? You do suck. You suck hard. Harder than you or anyone else ever thought possible before you started a life of fat assery. But there is one solution and that’s to just totally give up and trick your body into thinking you will never ever try to get in shape again. TRICK MY BODY INTO THINKING I’M NEVER GOING TO TRY TO LOSE WEIGHT? HUH? When your body finally believes that you have zero intentions of ever trying again, it stops being so pissed off at you and cruises into a state of apathy. When this happens it’s kind of like ketosis. Your body will stop working because it’s had enough. And that’s when the fat comes off. IF MY BODY GIVES UP, WON’T I DIE? Little known fact: when you’re dead, your body loses weight. So much that you soon end up with 0% body fat. YOU MEAN I WILL BECOME A SKELETON? That’s a little harsh. I like to say you’ll become “skin and bones.” Only without the “skin” part, I guess. WHAT IF I DON’T WANT TO DIE? CAN I STILL LOSE THE WEIGHT? No. At some point you need to get serious about this. Either commit to my plan or continue being fat and miserable. Jonny Ripkin is the fitness expert for the Intergalactic Business Report. His controversial methods for weight loss and muscle building are changing the way we see health, fitness, weight loss, and some other things. He can be reached at [email protected]. |
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