In recent weeks, the panic and fear over the COVID-19, or “Coronavirus” has led major businesses and organizations to issue statements to the public about how they’re handling the global pandemic. Now we are too. Please read an open letter to our readers from supreme editor Dusty Latouffe.
Dear IBR readers:
The Intergalactic Business Report understands that we are all living in an age of fear and dread for the unknown. Right now, many of us are either huddled in our homes clutching toilet paper rolls, or running around in public, infecting others and getting infected through sex with random strangers or just shopping at Walmart, or, in some cases, having sex with random strangers at Walmart.
Whichever one you are, you know that for the next few weeks, you will be hearing more and more about how this virus is affecting the planet. As the concern and anxiety rises, many people continue to ask me, “What is the Intergalactic Business Report doing about all this?”
I want to reassure our readers by listing the measures we are taking here to guarantee their safety:
1. As of this morning, reading an online publication from your phone, tablet, or computer remains safe.
2. Just to be sure, all our articles and memes will now be cleaned with industry-leading anti-bacterial products.
3. Several or our writers and editors have committed to cleaning themselves too. (We are doing this on the honor system for now, but if obvious body odor continues to be apparent, we will watch them shower starting next week.)
4. We have instructed our staff that when they are drinking at work, they should take a sip, then pour whatever they are drinking onto their hands to sanitize them with alcohol.
5. All experiments requiring interns to put things in their mouths or wear masks have been delayed for 24 hours.
6. IBR staff who have sex with fruit may no longer place the used fruit in the office fruit basket in the break room.
7. The March team building exercise will be postponed indefinitely because of fears of infection when penises are whipped out and laid on a conference room table and then measured.
8. Cocktails may no longer be stirred with your fingers (or penises, Ed).
9. We have sent out several secret messages to outerspace where we’ve positioned ourselves as the leaders of planet Earth and that we’re willing to cut a deal (any deal) with an alien race if they’ll cure the Coronavirus for us.
Thank you and stay safe,
Dusty Latouffe, Supreme Editor, The Intergalactic Business Report
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