As the unquestioned leader in business news and information, the Intergalactic Business Report avoids making outrageous claims or irresponsible predictions. But after speaking with an anonymous financial expert, we couldn’t help but be swayed by his solid arguments and insights about a probable economic crash and his simple advice for what you can do to avoid it. We’ve excerpted some of the most important parts of our interview with him below:
INTERVIEWER: Anonymous means we can’t say your name, right?
ECONOMIC EXPERT: Yes.
INTERVIEWER: (Speaking to one of our interns) Can someone please get Jeff a cup of fucking coffee?
ECONOMIC EXPERT: I don’t drink coffee.
INTERVIEWER: (To an intern) Can someone please get me a fucking drink then?
ECONOMIC EXPERT: Are we going to talk about the coming economic breakdown?
INTERVIEWER: I guess. What about it?
ECONOMIC EXPERT: In a very short time, there is a very good chance that…
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t beer. I wanted a fucking beer. What’s this?
ECONOMIC EXPERT: I really want to tell your readers about this. It’s so important.
INTERVIEWER: Look at this drink. What the fuck is this? It’s a cocktail or something, right? I wanted a beer.
ECONOMIC EXPERT: It looks like a gin and tonic?
INTERVIEWER: Do you know who drinks gin and tonics?
ECONOMIC EXPERT: Who?
INTERVIEWER: Street performers.
ECONOMIC EXPERT: I don’t get it.
INTERVIEWER: Yeah, you probably wouldn’t.
ECONOMIC EXPERT: Uh, are we going to discuss what you asked me to talk about…?
INTERVIEWER: Yeah yeah. Sure. Talk.
ECONOMIC EXPERT: Well… I’ve calculated that, to be totally safe and hold on to all your money, you need to do is…
INTERVIEWER: (Taking the beer from the intern who fucking finally brought it) This isn’t fucking Schlitz! I drink Schlitz!
ECONOMIC EXPERT: Do you really want me here?
INTERVIEWER: I don’t know… Can you get me a fucking Schlitz?
EDITORS’ NOTE: There was some other stuff that happened too. But this is what we thought was the most important and useful in the very short term to save your finances. Again, economics and money matters are complicated. Please use this information carefully and speak with your financial advisor before acting on it.
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