Think the holiday season sucks in your office? It doesn’t compare to how bad it sucks in the office of Carlos Montalvinho, sometimes called the “worst boss in the world.”
The Intergalactic Business Report gives you an unprecedented inside look at how Carlos celebrates the season with his team.
YOUR OFFICE: Your boss forces everyone to do an “ugly Christmas sweater” day. Ugh.
CARLOS MONTALVINHO’S OFFICE: Carlos forces everyone to take off their sweaters, undershirts, and all their clothes because he’s convinced someone’s skimming from him. And it’s like 30 degrees in the office because Carlos doesn’t see the point of heating the place. Ugh.
YOUR OFFICE: It takes three hours for everyone to put up all the stupid Christmas decorations every year.
CARLOS MONTALVINHO’S OFFICE: It takes three hours to put all the “product” Carlos wants you to move up everyone’s butts. And you’re pretty sure Juan didn’t tie the condoms very tight.
YOUR OFFICE: As part of “tradition” you have to listen to a fake Santa read “The Night Before Christmas.”
CARLOS MONTALVINHO’S OFFICE: As part of “tradition” you have to watch coked up Carlos recite his favorite lines from “Scarface.” One of them ends with an uncomfortable stare down between him and you after he asks if he could get a scar like his from eating pussy. You’re not sure if you’re supposed to answer or just say nothing, but he keeps screaming it at you.
YOUR OFFICE: You have to work Christmas Eve.
CARLOS MONTALVINHO’S OFFICE: You have to work on Christmas too. But you’re just assuming that since you work every day of the year and there are no clocks or calendars around. It could be Easter and Carlos is just fucking with you.
YOUR OFFICE: You dread the office “Secret Santa” exchange.
CARLOS MONTALVINHO’S OFFICE: You dread the office “who’s a snitch” ceremony where you have to convince Carlos that someone else (and not you) is a snitch, even though after years of sleep deprivation everyone has forgot what a snitch even is and have begun to think it’s like a Smurf and that Carlos really hates Smurfs.
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