10 harmless reasons you can’t get an erection.

You drink too much. You think of your grandmother during sex. Both of these are common reasons for not being able to hold your boner. Now new medical research reveals these aren’t the only causes for your softness. We share them with you below:


1. The gun in your mouth isn’t loaded and you can tell by the weight. 

2. You’re thinking about Beavis, but Butthead keeps showing up in your mind. 

3. You don’t have a penis. 

4. When you asked for “makeup” sex, your partner put a mascara tube in your ass and getting it out is now the focus.  

5. The robot voices in your head won’t say, “engage penis growth” until you give them your Paypal password, which you had to change last time because they bought a bunch of Hello Kitty shit on Ebay. 

6. Your partner keeps whispering shit like, “Hello Satan,” and pretending she has a really bad speech impediment.  

7. The oxygen required to stay conscious while in a headlock totally drains the oxygen required to maintain an erection. 

8. You’re trying to fuck a cardboard cutout of Adrian Zmed and there’s something about his smile… 

9. The Japanese businessmen watching you are putting way too much pressure on you to perform. 

​10. You can’t stop thinking about the riddle the troll gave you: “What hairy and scary? And where your penis you will bury?”

Help us keep our erection