After an extensive anthropological study of the Amish, the Intergalactic Business Report finally releases its findings about the greatest issues they face. Below we list 11 quintessentially Amish problems:
1. You go on vacation and people think you’re part of historical re-enactments. They say stuff to you like, “Good day, sir, what are you blacksmithing this fine morning?”
2. Jebediah keeps asking you to come by for a barn raising, but it’s just him with a boner sitting under a blanket.
3. When you say you need dat butter churnt, and it ain’t churnt.
4. You raise a barn, feed the pigs, plow some fields, and when you get home you have no AC and you have to relax by reading the bible.
5. You go to get some butter and it still ain’t churnt.
6. You feel like you’re the only one in your community who knows Kung Fu but you also wonder if you actually know it because you’re not sure how anyone learns Kung Fu because you told yourself it’s about believing you know it and you believe except now you’re starting to have doubts so it’s complicated.
7. You raise Harold’s barn, you raise Otto’s barn, but when it comes to raise your own barn everybody’s like, “I gotta make lemonade today,” or, “I pulled my quad churning butter,” and you just sit there, knowing that last one’s a lie because the butter ain’t never churnt and everyone knows that.
8. On Rumspringa you hit the clubs with your new dance move, “the butter churn” but no one gets it and thinks you’re having muscle failure.
9. A cop hides out in your community and has sex with Kelly McGillis, which is bullshit because you’ve always had a thing for her and she won’t even look at you when she passes a wooden bowl your way at a community picnic table lunch thing. But when a cop shows up… Yeah, she’s all over that.
10. The only porn sites you see are out your window. They include: two pigs fucking and that old lady taking a bath in the river.
11. You pay for butt implants but nobody can see them through your thick-ass dress.
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