1. You own a village of peasants in a country whose name you can’t pronounce, and you wear an ambiguous general’s outfit every time you go there.
2. Your accountant bows before you and won’t make eye contact for fear of being beaten by the guy you’re always telling to make problems disappear.
3. There are a bunch of super attractive people you don’t know always hanging around your amazing pool.
4. The attractive people hanging around your pool sometimes scatter when you show up and start screaming that you want so and so dead.
5. When someone starts “fucking with your livelihood” you always have a plan where someone gets kidnapped and you get killed.
6. You have employees who are always around. Like they must sleep in the house with you, because they’re always there. Except they can’t sleep, because every time you do anything, they’re right there, waiting to take care of something for you.
7. The chief of police is always talking about how you’re a respected member of the community whenever an ex-cop, ex-special forces dude, ex-CIA, karate master shows up and complains about you.
8. Even though you’re kind of an older, out of shape dude, you somehow can fight against an ex-CIA, special forces, karate master in a final battle. Are you a karate master? No. Do you even know how to fight? Not really. Do you almost win the fight? Yeah… You almost do. You should probably get more credit for that. But you’re dead, so…
9. Even though you’re super rich and the chief of police won’t touch you, you find a way to get arrested or killed.
10. You own an orphanage that’s actually a drug distribution center where the orphans package and sell drugs for you. At some point, the orphans kill you because the ex-CIA karate master kind of lets them.
11. Every one of your surface-level good qualities is mirrored by an actual bad quality that is the exact opposite.
12. You are constantly trying to convince the out-for-revenge ex-special forces guys who are trying to bring you down that you’re a lot alike or even “the same” and every fucking time they say, “No. We’re not the same.” Fuck those guys. Why do you try so hard to be their friends?
13. In a gesture of good will, you offer the ex-CIA karate master a fucking job, because he clearly needs one and he always turns you down because he’d rather “serve justice” or whatever than work.
14. You have one henchman who’s a bad ass but who always gets totally killed by the ex-special forces guy in the end. Some advice: get like two or three of those guys. One isn’t enough.
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