19 horrifying facts we beg you not to read.

No one has deja vu. Except you.

The universe is a horrifying place, and you live in it. Now be prepared to know its most unsettling but totally true secrets. 

1. The state of Kentucky got its abbreviation because so many of its people use KY jelly. 

2. You do have a soulmate, but it’s a spider creature from a forbidden galaxy and it would fucking eat you if it ever got close enough. 

3. Thousands of years ago aliens came to Earth to take a quick dump. That’s what the pyramids are. 

4. The Wizard of Oz was a documentary. 

5. Your mom is having sex with Randy again.  

6. Your dad is too. 

7. You may as well start having sex with Randy because everyone else in your family is. 

8. Pokémon is funded by space creatures who want to slowly introduce us to their fucked up culture before they finally invade. 

9. There was a porn version made of the Beverly Hillbillies. Guess what they did with Jed’s nipple about 10 minutes in. 

10. You can never take back or forget the time in middle school when you refused to talk to anyone for a week without doing it in a rap version. “Uh huhh…. Yeah…. Yeah….. Uh huhhh…. So, Mrs. Davis, you got a question for me…. I’ll try to answer it now. I love social studeeeees.” 

11. If you grow up on the East Coast, there’s a 97% chance you will participate in a circle jerk at some point in your adolescence. That’s just some weird East Coast shit. 

12. When you feel dizzy, it’s a brain insect trying to kill you.  

13. Peanut butter is usually tested with someone’s penis before they put the seal on it. 

14. Déjà vu is something only you have. Whenever you describe it, everyone just agrees because they think you’re crazy and might attack them. 

15. The most likely explanation for your existence is that you’re a robot and every time you see the number 11 it means your creator is reprogramming you, probably to do something stupid for her amusement.

16. The closest you will ever come emotionally to another human being is if he walks in on you while you’re taking a dump and you lock eyes.  

17. Cheetos, Fritos, Doritos…  

18. Think of the one person in the world you respect the most. Now picture that person half-masturbating, half-dancing to “We don’t need to take our clothes off to have a good time” by Jermaine Stewart. Now who’s the new one person in the world you respect the most? And so on… 

​19. Every time you do anything, there’s a slightly better-looking, slightly smarter, and slightly more successful version of yourself doing the same thing, only slightly better.