4 unexpected positive outcomes of global warming

We all know about Global Warming, and the Intergalactic Business Business Report feels the painful environmental pangs as well.  That’s why we commissioned a massive, breakthrough scientific study to seek out the positive consequences of Global Warming normally ignored by the mass media.

This is what we've uncovered and it will change your life:

1. Food doesn’t have to be cooked anymore. Due to the busy nature of our readers, this is a real boon.  Because the ambient temperatures of our atmosphere are so severely high, processed foods don’t have to be heated up in the microwave anymore.  This means all you have to do is open a can of SpaghettiOs and eat directly out of the can with a fork.  Just think, you’re late getting up and have an important meeting.  You need food and all you have is SpaghettiOs in the pantry.  You don’t have to take time to heat it up.  Global Warming has done that for you.  Your food is sterilized in advance.  Open and eat.  Take a bunch of cans with you and eat them all day without having to wait in a line or for a microwave. You will practically double your output.  Also, do the same with hot dogs.  Don’t cook them and pop them in your mouth.  Suck on a “cold“ hot dog like a lollypop or puff on it like a cigar! If you drop a cold hot dog on the ground, it won’t get dirty. Global Warming has fixed that too. Everything is clean because it’s so hot.
 
2. A lost alien race awakens to help humanity. You’ve heard about all the glaciers melting, but have you heard about the lost alien city that was found underneath a melted glacier? High tech satellites located a vast alien structure millions of years old and we sent a team of interns to the area to investigate.  The ancient city is inhabited by an octopoidal race of sentient beings with six foot, suctioned tentacles.  But not to worry, according to the one intern who survived the trip, “The Old Ones” don’t mean us harm.  During his insane sounding chattering and ramblings in the office hallways, he says he now has the privilege to carry one of the Old One’s embryos inside himself. Who knows what awesome things we’ll learn from this ancient race, now frozen until Global Warming woke them up! 
 
3. Dogs and cats almost acquire sentience. We say “almost” because this one hasn’t quite happened yet, but we suspect it will. Wouldn’t it be cool if all the dogs and cats on the earth were sentient?  Scientists have been studying canine and feline sentience for quite a while now, and we think it’s possible that due to some biological quirk, the hotter it gets, the smarter our pets get.  Now we can just sit down and talk to them man to dog.  We can make them do jobs and they will serve us even better. Humanity doesn’t have to do anything except watch cable and occasionally birth an octopoidal Old One embryo. 

4. Corrolary to #1. We know some of you are pretty smart and doubting that you can eat SpaghettiOs out of the can without heating it up.  You are probably thinking, “If Global Warming allows me to eat SpaghettiOs, whycome is frozen pizza still cold?”  Answer:  Global Warming isn’t just about things getting hot, it’s also about things getting cold too.  Get it?