For years, I wouldn’t tell anyone about my trust fund. It was like this big conversation killer that changed the way people thought of me the moment they found out about it. It was like being married to someone you needed for financial support but whom you didn’t love.
Here’s the main thing about having a trust fund. It means that you’re taken care of for the rest of your life, which is great. But it also means that every person you know—all your friends, lovers, neighbors, and colleagues—will always resent you for having something they feel was just given to you, while they have to work for everything they get.
I just realized I mentioned “colleagues” in that list of people who judge you when you have a trust fund. I should be clearer on this. A colleague is someone you work with. I don’t need to work. And I don’t feel like just working to say I’m working, because that’s dishonest. Also, I feel like by me taking a work-job, that would mean that I’m denying someone else of it. So I don’t do that.
Which brings me to an interesting point. You would think that people who work for a living would be thankful to me for not taking one of their jobs. They aren’t. But every trust fund kid who decides to spend their day shopping or buying boats or taking a vacation somewhere great is doing this every minute, all the time. And this contributes to a higher employment rate for everyone, everywhere. It’s a little thing, maybe, but it means so much because if I really wanted to, I could buy a McDonald’s franchise, for instance, and just close it because I felt like it. That would leave a bunch of people unemployed. But I don’t do that. I think that would be wrong.
I wanted to use this column—and yes, my trust fund paid for this*--so that I could do more than just help unemployment numbers. I wanted to impart real wisdom to people who aren’t capable of thinking for themselves. People like you, I’m assuming.
It’s not your fault that you are dumber than me. My money helped me reach a higher level of intelligence. You don’t have that money, and so you aren’t able to think how I can. But I consider you “special” and I want to help you. And I promise, I will make this as simple as possible, so you can understand. Again, I don’t say all this to be condescending** or rude. I say it because I care about people.
I guess that some people in my family, a long time ago, were involved with the slave trade, and that’s how we all got so rich. I don’t even know why I’m bringing that up except to say that even something terrible can lead to something good, eventually, if you give it enough time to heal.
And so I want to heal you today by giving you five pieces of advice you didn’t know. Follow these and do better with your life. Maybe you’ll even get a trust fund, like me!
1. Don’t think in terms of dollars and cents. Poor people think of money as actual dollar bills that they give to strippers and so forth. But did you know that with a no limit credit card, you can practically buy a stripper? (I know, people aren’t for sale anymore, but I’m just saying.)
2. Money can make you more beautiful. My father is ugly as fuck. Everyone says so. I can barely look at him. But he married my mom, who’s like a really really hot model, even though she’s in her forties and getting gross and old. When they had kids, I turned out beautiful, because I got most of her genes. My little brother is ugly as fuck, just like my dad, but it doesn’t matter because he’s a guy and he can marry a model like my mom.
3. Stop thinking like a poor person! I know. You’re so poor that it’s like telling a fat person to just stop being so fat. But what if the fat person starting thinking like a skinny person? In his mind, he’d be slim and not disgusting. You can do that with your poorness!
4. Always have a maid to blame stuff on. I know. You’re not rich enough to have a maid, so maybe get a friend of yours with really low self-esteem to take the fall every time you screw up. Maybe your friend is nasty-looking or even works as a maid. The point is, you can always use someone below you to pin blame on. Caught with cocaine? That’s the maid’s cocaine. Hit and run accident? My maid was driving. Just replace “maid” with your friend’s name.
5. Have a good attitude. I can’t tell you how many non-trust fund people I meet who just have shitty attitudes that totally bring me down. You may think I don’t notice it, but I do. Stop complaining about your work, your life, and whatever else. You’re alive. You’re poor, but alive. That’s awesome for you.
*The editors at IBR will take your money if you want to be a journalist, columnist, or whatever. Make them an offer.
**This is a word I know from having an elite education from pre-eminent*** schools you’ve probably never heard of but if you mentioned them in front of rich people, the rich people would say, “Oh, yeah, I know that school. My grandfather went there,” and stuff like that.
****Another word that elite people use. I’m assuming you don’t know what it means because when would a word meaning “the best” come up in your conversations? You’d probably be more familiar with words like, “average,” and “just o.k.” and “time to kill myself I’m so average.”
Haley Debaron has a trust fund. It makes her rich. Probably richer than you and we don’t even know you. There’s nothing more to say really, than that. You can contact Haley at email@example.com.
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