5 secrets to dating a hot chick (by a hot chick)

Are you into hot women but have no idea what you’re doing? In an exclusive Intergalactic Business Report report, actual hot chick Leighton Krzyzewski gives you the five secrets you for sure don’t know (because otherwise you’d have a hot girl like Leighton and not have to read this crap). Read and learn or don’t and burn.
 
 
By Leighton Krzyzewski.
 
Hot women like us are very busy these days—and we have a lot of options—so when it comes to the men we date there are certain qualities we look for and find appealing in our romantic partners.
 
1. Surprise me
Maybe we're out having a drink at some cute new bistro and you notice another man glance in my direction. Don't just sit there and grin knowing your girl looks like a million bucks. Walk right over there and crack a bottle across the back of the guy's head! You know it's the right thing to do. For extra bonus points, wait until he drops to the floor and then urinate upon his blissfully unconscious face while his wife and three kids look on. Make me feel special!
 
2. Be thoughtful
Let's say we go to the beach together. Don't ask if I need help putting lotion on my back. Of course I do! Just do it, don't ask. Spurt that stuff all over my bare back. Stand there and squeeze out gobs and gobs of that thick white goop on to me while the hot sun beats down upon your glistening brow. Let me know you care, not only about my physical appearance, but also my long-term skin cancer risks. 
 
3. Be there for me
A girl needs a shoulder to cry on when times get tough. So when the wealthy older man I cheated on you with is refusing to pay for my trip to Aruba like he promised, step up and get that third credit card so I can go! Winters are cold and you know I need my girl time on the island if I'm going to look and be my best for you. Watch my IG posts and it will be just like you’re there! 
 
4. Don't be the jealous type
Nothing is a bigger turn-off to a hot girl than an insecure and jealous man. So just because there may have been a time or two in the past where I got a teensy bit carried away, don't be all creepy about it. A big part of why you are so drawn to me is the fact that I'm a powerful, majestic goddess in touch with the greater universal forces, hence you cannot understand why I must follow my bliss wherever and whenever it call—especially if that call is coming late at night from a professional athlete whose team is only in town for the weekend.
 
5. Be yourself!
You don't need to pretend to be something you're not to try and impress me, Ryan Gosling!