6 reasons why I can’t wait to start wearing a mask. By Ed Mountaineer.

Not Ed. Not even close.

A lot of people are freaking out about having to wear masks when they go places, but I for one am freaking out for a totally different reason and that reason is that I can’t wait to start wearing a mask. In fact, I’m beginning to wonder why I haven’t always worn one. Guess it’s never too late to start!
 
Anyway, below I’m outlining my reasons for why this is awesome and fits perfectly into my image of myself. 
 
Reason one. All my heroes wore masks:

1. Bane.
2. Michael Jackson.
3. Michael Myers.
4. The man in the iron mask.
5. Jason Vorhees.
6. The Gimp.

 
Reason two. I hate my nose.
Instead of cutting it off, like I planned to do earlier in the year, I get to hold on to it because now no one will see it. Ever. (Did I mention I plan to never take off my mask? Ever. Even when I’m alone, at home, or looking into people’s windows to make sure they’re o.k.)
 
Reason three. I don’t like people knowing whether or not I’m smiling.
The mask totally solves this one. It’s like sunglasses for your face. Am I smiling? Fuck you.
 
Reason four. Wearing a mask makes me like a bandit, only not wanted by the law.
Bandits are probably the coolest kind of criminals but if you’re not one, it’s pretty stupid to wear a bandit mask. Now I can do it without fear of being arrested, like the last time I pretended to be a bandit.
 
Reason five. Back to the bandit thing. If I rob a bank wearing a mask, it’s kind of like we all did it, because we’re all wearing masks, and they can’t arrest all of us.
Think about it.
 
Reason six. If I can wear my bandit mask to the grocery store, I could eat things there and no one would notice.
Me: wearing my bandit mask. Other person in store: “What are you doing? Are you eating that banana?” Me: “MAAAAAARGH!”
 
Reason seven. I feel like I’m stuck on the thing about being a bandit and can’t move on.
Sometimes you hit on a great idea and just become obsessed with it. I think I’m going to stop writing now.