You may have heard of “conscious uncoupling,” which is where two people slowly break their marital bonds or partnership by incrementally dissolving their union. A new trend, however, is giving couples an even easier way out. Here’s how it works.
STEP ONE: You decide you don’t want to be with your spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend anymore, but you don’t want to go through the pain and anxiety of telling them that.
STEP TWO: A hypnotherapist disguised as a UPS delivery guy arrives at your house or your partner’s work and says she/he needs to sign for something. He hands them a pen and then says, “Hold on, I need to shake it for the ink to work.” At that point, he moves the pen back and forth and says stuff like, “Look at this pen… It’s special… look at how it moves back and forth…” Then your partner starts following it with her/his eyes as the hypnotherapist says stuff like, “You will not remember your boyfriend, Brian. He does not exist. It’s always been just you, alone, because you’re not good enough to have someone love you,” and so on, till someone walks in the room and says, “Hey Cindy, why aren’t you in the meeting? Why’ve you been in here for like an hour with the UPS guy?”
STEP THREE: The hypnotherapy doesn’t always work, so the next time you see your partner, just pretend like you kind of know him/her, but not really. When he/she asks why you’re being so weird, just say, “Who are you again?” If they ask anything else, like do you know anything about the UPS guy who came by my office and said I need to forget I know you, just say, “My name is Horace von Constantine. I don’t believe I’ve ever met you. What is your name young man/lady?” (It helps if you act like a really really old man or lady.)
STEP FOUR: At this point, either you’ve successfully rid yourself of your partner, or he/she is losing their shit and screaming at you. If it’s the latter, run the fuck away.
STEP FIVE: Find a bar or somewhere you can drink a lot of alcohol. Drink the alcohol. You’ll probably get phone calls at this point from your partner. Answer in a vaguely foreign sounding voice and tell her/him that someone sold you this phone in the park and that you don’t know what they’re talking about. When they say, “I know this is you. Why are you using that fake voice? What’s going on?” drop the phone in a toilet and stop using phones for a while.
STEP SIX: If you lived with your partner, try to never return. If you didn’t live with him/her, don’t ever return to wherever you live, because he/she may stop by there to find you.
STEP SEVEN: After several months, your partner will start to wonder whether he/she ever really dated you or whether you were just a manifestation of her/his subconscious. Congratulations. Go live your best life.
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