9 secrets men never tell women.

Following an exhaustive, multi-layered study involving scientific-social analysis, the Intergalactic Business Report reveals nine secrets that men never ever tell women. Here they are:


“Even though I can aim my penis at the toilet, I choose to aim it at a wall or the floor because I don’t want to show off and make you feel bad that your vagina has no aim at all. When you find my pee all over the place and scold me, I know you secretly feel better about your vagina.”
 
“I have no idea whether or not you pee through your vagina or something else, like a tube that’s connected to it. I don’t really care. I just go with the idea that you pee with your vagina.”
  
“When you try to explain to me that you don’t pee with your vagina and that I don’t understand female anatomy, or whatever, it’s a real turn off. Next time, consider making me a ham sandwich and maybe being quiet for five minutes.”
 
“If you bring me a cold beer while I’m watching a football game, I will fall in love with you all over again. Till the beer gets warm or I finish it. When that happens, my love will only be rekindled with another cold beer. And so on.”
 
“I’m secretly glad that you count how many beers I have every night, because I’m trying to break a record, and after a while I’m too drunk to count anymore. That’s where you come in.”
 
“My dream job would be sleeping in a race car bed next to a cooler of alcohol and a seventy-two-inch flat screen t.v. and I get up every morning to go to the mailbox where there’s a check for twenty-thousand dollars with a note attached that reads: Here’s this month’s check. Good job drinking and sleeping and watching t.v.”
 
“Whenever you’re right about something, I just pretend I’m you during that portion of the argument. When you keep telling me about your rightness, you’re just talking to yourself.”
 
“If I could pick up an apple with my butt cheeks I would do it. Shit. Now that I thought of that I have to try it.”
 
“Becoming ‘mature’ ended when I grew hair on my balls. Nothing else has really changed since.”