Losing weight is tough and every new diet program inspires hope till you drop it and just start stuffing your burrito eater again. So why not look into these seven alternative weight loss schemes that are so underground, you haven’t heard of them yet.
Beaver diet. You eat only greens and whatever beavers you can catch.
Just saying you’re not fat. Here, you just deny you’re fat and tell people how much weight you’ve lost even as you gain obscene amounts of extra chins and cellulite.
Fitness model hiring. This weight loss technique is where you hire a fitness model to assume your life. It’s expensive, but you basically stay at home and eat while giving your model instructions through an ear and video piece he/she carries around. Big presentation at work? The new you will look great as he repeats what you’re telling him. And if you want to amp it up a bit, have him do it shirtless.
Liquid lunch diet. This classic diet from the 1920’s is making a comeback. All you do is drink till you pass out and therefore skip meals.
Online transition weight loss. This allows you to play video games almost all day long, so it’s very popular with younger generations. Using an attachment to your gaming system (and your face), the weight loss program only allows you to eat virtual food that is dropped into your game by someone called the “snackman.” Munch munch. Eat as much of the virtual food as you like, but if you get up to get real food and detach the probe on your head, your virtual self is automatically demoted and has to start the game over.
Reverse weight loss training. This is basically your excuse to gain as much weight as you want because you send out a text/email/post to everyone in your contact list that you are undergoing something called “reverse weight loss training” and that your appearance could be altered drastically in the next several months. Then you just show up places as fat as you want and nobody says anything.
Fat shaming children’s posse. This is perhaps the most aggressive and psychologically damaging of the alternative weight loss programs. A group of kids follows you around and makes fun of your size until you either defeat them in combat or stop eating so much.
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