If you’re feeling unsettled by the impending tsunami of the Coronavirus, prepare to be reassured by America’s major corporations, which are handling this crisis like a boss… Who’s about to fire everyone.
This week, the Intergalactic Business Report reviews the corporate response to the COV-19 pandemic and offer a few questions of our own.
COMPANY: AMC MOVIES.
WHAT THEY’RE DOING: “Once we hit 50% of an auditorium’s capacity, movie screening will show as being Sold Out, even though by definition there will be a large number of unfilled seats.”
QUESTIONS: You guys seriously think you’re going to fill 50% of your theater?
UPDATE: Closed. So, I guess that answers that.
WHAT THEY’RE DOING: “In addition to practicing preventative measures to reduce the spread of germs within our facilities, all of our vehicles go through a rigorous, multi-step cleaning process for each rental.”
QUESTIONS: Are you still going to “clean” the back seats of your cars with puke?
WHAT THEY’RE DOING: “Our hotels' health and safety measures are designed to address a broad spectrum of viruses, including COVID-19, and cover everything from handwashing hygiene and cleaning product specifications to guest room and common area cleaning procedures.”
QUESTIONS: Does this mean you’ll clean the jizz stains off your carpets, lamps, and ceilings?
COMPANY: JIMMY JOHN’S.
WHAT THEY’RE DOING: “Established a full-time Coronavirus Preparedness Task Force… to ensure a safer dining experience for all.”
FIRST QUESTION FOR THE TASK FORCE COMMANDER: What’s freaky faster? Jimmy John’s delivery? Or the time it takes the Coronavirus to get inside you?
COMPANY: JAMBA JUICE.
WHAT THEY’RE DOING: “Pausing the reusable tumbler program and the insertion of straws into our smoothies for our guests.”
QUESTIONS: But before it was cool to stick straws into our smoothies with your nasty hands?
COMPANY: MALL OF AMERICA.
WHAT THEY’RE DOING: “We have intensified our existing rigorous cleaning and sanitizing efforts, which include, but are not limited to, increasing the frequency and intensity of our cleaning efforts of all commonly touched surfaces including seating, doors, handrails, elevators, directories, rides as well as rental strollers and wheelchairs.”
QUESTIONS: You’re going to constantly clean 5 million square feet of stuff?
UPDATE: Totally closed, so we guess you won’t.
COMPANY: BARNES AND NOBLES.
WHAT THEY’RE DOING: “We’re living through turbulent times together. Our booksellers are your neighbors, your friends and family. Your stories are our stories, and we know how resilient our communities are.”
QUESTIONS: Great. But you are going to wipe down the books and stuff, right?
COMPANY: FIREHOUSE SUBS.
WHAT THEY’RE DOING: “We are removing the self-serve hot sauce bar from the counter area and will, upon request, offer our signature Captain Sorensen’s Hot Sauce in pre-portioned cups.”
QUESTIONS: You’re talking about doing a circle jerk, right?
COMPANY: BUCA DI BEPPO.
WHAT THEY’RE DOING: “We are taking other steps to address concerns, for instance, encouraging cash-less transactions inside our restaurants. The passing of cash has been shown to be a major method of transmission and we believe this action is in the interest of everyone’s well-being.”
QUESTIONS: Can I still pay with the credit card I ran through my ass crack?
WHAT THEY’RE DOING: “We are providing all our stores with the necessary supply of disinfectant materials and hand sanitizer to frequently clean high-touch surfaces to kill germs and ensure our stores are a safe environment for both our customers and store associates.”
COMMENT: Sounds like a nerd wrote that.
WHAT THEY’RE DOING: “Swim trunks, sunglasses and sandals are all you need for the surf or the sand.” They add: “This look was made for soaking up every second of sunshine—from mornings spent lying on the beach to poolside happy hours.”
COMMENT: By far our favorite message about the Coronavirus.
WHAT THEY’RE DOING: “We are taking additional precautions, including: Established an internal task force to monitor and provide guidance in real time.”
FIRST RECOMMENDATION FROM THE INTERNAL TASK FORCE: “Hey Ricky, stop touchin’ the Guac with yer face! Damn!”
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