Recent scholarly research has pointed to the fact that apathy, or loss of interest, can be an early indicator of Alzheimer’s disease. Defining apathy is crucial to an early diagnosis, so the Intergalactic Business Report has issued a short test you can self-administer to see your risk factor.
If you have any of the following indicators, then you have apathy:
INDICATOR ONE: Not caring about your appearance.
YOUR BEHAVIOR: On Sunday mornings you wear sweats covered in nasty stains that are probably old jizz or gyro sauce. You leave your place and walk around in them to get coffee. Your hair looks like ass. When you’re waiting for your coffee you notice someone in line who also works with you. This person mistook you for a homeless person but now recognizes you. You shrug, get your drink, think about saying hi, but don’t. See you at work, you guess.
INDICATOR TWO: Social disengagement.
YOUR BEHAVIOR: When your friend tells the story about how he met his girlfriend for the four thousand and eighty-seventh time and he looks at you for approval because you’re supposed to smile or laugh or piss your pants because it’s so awesome they met at a grocery store, and you realize you stopped caring after the first time he told you the story and even then you didn’t really give a shit.
INDICATOR THREE: Irresponsible consumption.
YOUR BEHAVIOR: At a bar, you decide to have a fourth drink, even though that’s clearly going to send you to loopy land. Your brain says, “whatever,” and you do it. Later, after 14 drinks, you have an Uber drive you around to find this burger place that’s open late night but you can’t remember what it’s called or where it is. The driver says, “Should I just take you home?” And you say, “I don’t care,” which is a clear sign of apathy. Then you puke in his car, also because you don’t care.
INDICATOR FOUR: Loss of interest in sports.
YOUR BEHAVIOR: Randy is a Packers fan. That’s all he ever talks about. He recites stats about his team. You can’t recall any of it. He mentions players’ names. They sound like characters from Star Wars and you quickly forget them. He keeps talking, but instead of taking in the information, you just blankly stare back at him and mouth the words, “I. Don’t. Care.”
INDICATOR FIVE: Not caring about public spaces.
YOUR BEHAVIOR: At a gas station bathroom you slowly alter the trajectory of your pee stream so that it hits the wall. You understand that someone, probably a miserable teenager, will have to clean it up, but you don’t care.
INDICATOR SIX: Loss of caring about major social issues.
YOUR BEHAVIOR: Your friend invites you to lunch and spends the next two-and-a-half hours talking about voter rights, constitutional amendments, and politicians you’ve never heard of. Or have you? You think about saying something, open your mouth, and then she keeps talking and you realize that your role in the conversation is that you don’t care.
INDICATOR SEVEN: Lack of appreciation for children.
YOUR BEHAVIOR: Your friends have kids. They tell you about them all the time. Their kids are amazing. They are successful at everything they do. They’re great athletes. They get perfect grades. They’re going to go to elite colleges. They have interests you never had when you were a kid because you didn’t know you wanted to study finance at NYU when you were 11. Their kids speak three different languages and started their own charity to help displaced orphans in a war-torn country whose name you can’t remember because you don’t care.
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