Nine mistakes couples make when they talk about money.

Money is the number one impetus for couples arguing, according to what you hear people say when they talk about couples arguing. Also sex. That’s another thing they argue about. But we’re not doing a thing about sex arguments because we don’t even get that. Like, are they fighting about which hole to put it in or something? Instead of figuring that out, we’re doing the one about money. 
 
We asked ourselves why money leads to so many arguments and discovered some answers that may shock you. Below we list the nine most common mistakes couples make when discussing money. Avoid doing all these if you want to have a healthy financial rapport with your spouse:
 
1. Threatening to conjure 18th century dentists to perform oral surgery on your wife while she’s sleeping.  

2. Assuming you are both on the same page when it comes to eliminating debt by twerking it away. 

3. Instead of listening to your spouse’s concerns about setting a grocery budget, you stick your hands down your pants and start screaming that you think the devil just sewed your fingers to your penis. 

4. Getting into endless arguments about how Confederate money is making a comeback and then proving it by burning all your “union” money in the back yard while you whistle dixie. 

5. Offering to show your butthole to your banker. 

6. Referring to the “anal clause” in your wedding contract and when your spouse asks you what the fuck you’re talking about, you just mutter something about how it has to do with money and that you’re happy to call the priest who married you to confirm.  

7. Both having a totally different idea of what the word “money” means so that when you’re saying it, you mean “hot dog with everything,” and when your spouse is saying it, they mean, “currency” or “investments” or “cash.” 

8. Insisting that the “bank” is your butt and saying stuff like “bank on it” and “time to make a deposit in the bank” and “you can take that to the bank.” 

​9. Telling your wife you have a rainy-day fund and then stripper showering her with small bills. 

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