Ever see that good-looking co-worker get whatever he wants from the boss? Are you sick of moms who use their “used-to-be-a-model” appearance to cut in line at backyard cookouts? How about your friend from high school who was so “hot” she never had to pay for beer?
Attractive people have been abusing non-good-looking people like you for years, and it seems almost futile to try to stop them. After all, what can you do? Kill them? Before you try something crazy, consider this advice from a new proprietary psychological study* commissioned by the Intergalactic Business Report. It shows conclusively that “attractiveness” has nothing to do with looks and everything to do with these three secret tactics that all beautiful people use to put and keep you down.
The next time you want someone to pay for your drinks, buy you a car, or make you a hostess in Japan, do these three things and watch the results:
1. Imagine you can read minds and that each mind is thinking how pretty you are. Clinical research ** has shown that this is precisely what all attractive people do when they see other human life forms. They eventually become so good at it that they do what is called a “mind transfer thought alignment” with your brain and others so that you don’t see their probably hideous appearance at all but instead recognize a majestic and perfectly balanced face with strong, magnetic features.
2. Refer to men as “boys” and women as “girls.” For some reason, really hot people always do this.
3. Try to have a nose that is in almost perfect proportion to the rest of your face. If it is too large, crooked, or has weird-looking nostrils, you will be considered ugly by most people. Also, make sure one of your eyes isn’t bigger than the other and that your mouth is in balance with all the features listed above. As a bonus, you could also have amazing hair.
*We thought about some stuff and wrote it down.
**The stuff we wrote down, we typed up afterwards.
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