Microaggressions. We’ve all heard of them by now. But did you know they increase by up to 4,000 percent after you enter a bar and drink for several hours? That’s because drunk people are hypersensitive to the negative suggestions that emanate from your mouth and actions.
Ahead of Drunk People Awareness Month this August, the Intergalactic Business Report lists 8 microaggressions you may be exhibiting to drunks every time you enter a tavern or bar.
1. Having a “looking problem.”
Some drunks may ask you, “Do you have a looking problem?” This is because you look a certain way that makes them uncomfortable or that you have looked their way, which is also a problem. Our advice: avoid both appearing unsettling in any way to drunk people and also don’t physically look at them.
2. Saying something that may have a secret, negative meaning to the drunk person.
If you’ve ever heard a drunk ask you, “What’s that supposed to mean?” then you were probably having a conversation in which you said something that unlocked a secret anger in them. You may have said, for instance, “Hello,” and the drunk took that to mean you were mocking his dead father who also used to say “Hello” to people.
3. Covertly suggesting that a drunk person is being untruthful.
If you get to the point at which a drunk asks you if you are calling him a liar, it’s likely because you insensitively questioned his theory about bigfoot where he said he knows the hominid personally and has partied with him in the woods. Instead of saying, “Yeah right!” or, “What?” or even, “Seriously?” just shut your fucking mouth and maybe nod.
4. Suggesting through your inquiry that the drunk person is of low intelligence.
You know you’ve practiced this microaggression when the drunk asks, “Are you calling me stupid?” Remember that questioning a drunk person’s knowledge of mathematics or history is equivalent to calling him a dumb motherfucker and asking if he wants to fight you.
5. Inadvertently insulting the drunk’s mother.
Be as reverent as you can around drunk people and, as always, shut your fucking mouth or you may hear one ask you if you said something about his mother. You may feel you said nothing at all but that doesn't really matter because the drunk heard what he heard. That's on you.
6. Not engaging in conversation because you’re “better than” they are.
As much as we advise that you shut your mouth, we also advise that if you do, you may be called out for ignoring the drunk because you feel you are better than he is.
7. (For bartenders only) Cutting off a drunk is the biggest insult you can render.
This one is considered a macroaggression to most drunks, so be careful. If you decide to stop the liquor flowing to his body, you’ve committed one of the most insulting acts imaginable.
8. Wearing clothing that triggers a violent response.
When you enter an area full of drunks, be careful not to don an outfit that has anything that may make them upset. Tee shirts with any slogan, brand name, pattern, or even a style that appears “pussy” could land you in a drunk’s poor graces. Be bland and, as always, shut the fuck up.
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