Those longing eyes. The pulled back ears. The detailed instructions to kill people. For years it has been a mystery what canine behavior actually means. But in a recent scientific study using brain scans* the Intergalactic Business Report may have just gotten closer to answering the question of what your dog really thinks of you.
We studied brain activity in a sample of dogs and watched as lights lit up on screens in front of us, indicating scientific truth we had not been aware of. Our interpretation of flashing lights and computer screens led us to some stunning conclusions and insights, including the ability to actually read dogs’ thoughts. We know. It’s something where we should win the Nobel Peace Prize or something? Anyway… Read what we discovered:
Dogs fucking hate us.
Let’s get this one out of the way first. All the dogs we studied said the same thing. That they see us as prison guards who hide food from them and lie.
They also think we’re mentally slow.
Many of the dogs remarked that the constant, obsessive talk about how they’re “such a good boy” followed by the incessant question about whether they know and understand that, was an indicator of low intelligence or dementia.
What’s with the fucking leash?
This was the reply most of them had when asked, “What is the one question you’d like humans to answer?” This was slightly ahead of, “Why do they watch my butthole when I poop?”
When they pull back their ears it’s dog language for, “You are a twat.”
We asked them if “twat” could be substituted for another word and they all said no. Twat is super specific in this case.
Barking is a way of mocking us.
When dogs bark, they are imitating us, but in a sarcastic way. Said one dog, “When I look out the window, start barking, and then look back at you, I’m really saying, ‘Hey, prison guard, look at me! I can yell at stupid shit too! Look! I’m you!’”
Most of them see their existence with you like a prolonged alien abduction.
They added that they’d prefer being captured by real aliens even if it meant getting the ass probe.
When you sleep, they get excited you may finally be dead.
But you’re not. So… The next day it’s back to “Who’s a good boy” and watching their buttholes.
They think you suck at sex.
Especially doggy style. They think that’s super funny and they lose their shit when they say that. We felt kind of uncomfortable, honestly, because it isn’t that funny and we could kind of see it coming. But we guess dog humor is pretty basic?
*Brain scans are scientific.
Insights are given to you as a gift from our team of insight insiders.