Breaking motivational news: You are the average of your four best friends. Make sure they don’t suck.

In an exclusive study of self-help and motivational life coach type things, the Intergalactic Business Report has learned that you are the average of the four people you spend the most time with. 
 
Our interpretation of this is that if you are a shut-in who lives with his cat, talks to a mailman every day, calls his mother once a week, and has a goldfish, then your personality is that of a cat/old woman/mail carrier/fish and that you sit alone in loserdom while you wait for an infomercial about how to be your best self to save you from your freakish misery.
 
If you are not that guy, then you may have four friends who are human, not related to you, and not there just to deliver your mail. In that case, we recommend highly you replace any of them that do not make you a super successful rich person who is totally fulfilled in every way.
 
Below we list three examples that represent what most people can do to break the cycle of bad averages and finally succeed in life.
 
1. In case number one, you are lucky enough to have three friends who are positive, successful, and offer you a “power source” of encouragement, advice, and connections. However, you also have Randy, who totally sucks in every way and is bringing down the average of the group and therefore you. In this case, you need to replace Randy with someone awesome, maybe recommended by your other three friends. If Randy has already moved into your place, you may have to leave, change your phone number, and stop paying rent/sell your home. Randy won’t understand this and will cause a problem with your landlord or potential buyers. This will fuck everything up for you and you’ll get depressed, start drinking too much, and talk about it non-stop with your other friends, which will cause Mike to bail on your friendship after you start crying about Randy at the bar. Now you only have two cool friends but they average together with Randy, because you haven’t officially gotten rid of him yet. Case number one sucks for you, so we suggest strongly you avoid it. 

2. Case number two is a little trickier. Here, your best friends are Mike, Gerald, Randy, and Randy’s cousin, who is known by the nickname “Big Gulp.” Your average at this point sucks, but isn’t completely in the toilet… Yet… Then Randy and Big Gulp show up to Mike’s dinner party (that they were NOT invited to because Mike fucking hates them) and get drunk on shit they find in his liquor cabinet. Gerald is there too with his wife and Big Gulp says something to them about doing a three way. They try to laugh it off, but Big Gulp takes that as a sign that they’re into it and he starts taking off his clothes. That’s right when Mike discovers that Randy is drinking straight out his bottle of one-hundred-year-old Scotch. After that night, Gerald and Mike tell you that you have to choose between them and Randy and Big Gulp. You choose them, but it doesn’t matter because Gerald convinces Mike that you’re way more like Randy and his cousin than you are like him and Mike. Soon you are the average of Randy, Big Gulp, and some foreign exchange students they have room with them because they receive a check every month for being their host parents. We recommend avoiding being in case number two. 

3. Case number three is probably the worst. In this one, you don’t even know Mike and Gerald. Well, maybe that’s a little harsh. You know them, because Mike works at your office, and Gerald (who’s in super good shape) jogs past your crappy apartment building, and also is dating your ex, who you know is saying she was only with you because she thought you might kill yourself if she left. Your roommates? You guessed it: Randy and Big Gulp. But it’s even worse, because Randy is dating your mom again, so she’s basically moved in with you because she’s always doing it with Randy in the master bedroom, which he got because he has a girlfriend. Meanwhile, you and Big Gulp share the other bedroom. Your mom, Randy, and Big Gulp are your average, therefore, till Big Gulp gets a mail order bride from Russia and she brings her dad (who’s like the most angry, evil drunk you’ve ever met) with her. Now you’re all living together and you’ve reached five people. In this scenario, you turn into a total prick and absolute loser who has only fleeting moments of self-awareness, usually when you see Gerald jogging and you think, “I should probably start jogging.” Then Vitaly, the mail order bride’s dad, hits you in the fucking stomach super hard and hands you a shot of vodka. Really really avoid case number three.