The Intergalactic Business Report today announces the alarming discovery that Thanksgiving is totally and absolutely fake. We don’t mean it’s fake in the way that the pilgrims didn’t actually celebrate a meal with Native Americans where they shared food and blah blah blah. We mean that the entire holiday is not happening except for maybe in your own home.
While you stupidly buy a turkey and invite all your relatives to your house, you may not realize that everyone else is doing whatever they please. They aren’t stuck with your ridiculous uncle or father-in-law, and they sure as hell aren’t watching made-up football games. Think we’re the ones lying? Then check out these ten stunning facts we’ve uncovered below:
1. Every “Thanksgiving” the Detroit Lions play football on t.v. That’s impossible.
2. How would anyone actually cook a turkey so that it doesn’t taste like shit? Think about it. You have this huge bird whose ass you have to stick your hand inside and then bake in an oven for like ten hours and then you get gravy out of it, even though there’s nothing there except some ball sweat and nasty juice lying around in the pan? Someone is obviously laughing at you from a remote location every time you do this.
3. Are you ever actually “thankful” about anything on Thanksgiving? Think about it.
4. Have you ever noticed that after Thanksgiving all your “friends” have the same, stupid, made-up stories about what they did? “Yeah, we just kind of stayed in and had the family over…” Or, “we went out to California to visit Jen’s family.” Yeah. Right. Bullshit.
5. Pumpkin pie is something no one would ever come up with for real.
6. You don’t get presents. You don’t get candy. Nobody dresses up in a skanky outfit. Nobody ever has sex with you because it’s “Thanksgiving.” Again, think about it.
7. Thanksgiving spelled backwards are the old Norse words, “Gnivig Sknaht” (silent “g” and silent “k”), which means, “this hooker is drunk!” Why would they have a saying like that?
8. Cranberry sauce taste like ass. Would you ever seriously eat that if somebody didn’t make you feel like you had to because it was a fake, made-up holiday?
9. Why do you fall asleep after eating “Thanksgiving” dinner? And then wake up with your fat ass uncle snoring on your shoulder? What happens while you’re asleep? Why is it so important that you’re not conscious? Once again (and we’re getting a little tired of saying this), think about it.
10. Finally, the fake parades. There is clearly no way that anyone in real life would put together floats, marching bands, and balloons that look like Homer Simpson. Even if you’re foolish enough to attend the parades, we advise strongly that you look around at the empty, soulless faces of the other “parade goers” who are only there to carry on the massive lie that anyone would willingly push his way through a crowd so that he could get closer to some Ukrainian dancers or a “hometown celebrity” no one’s ever heard of who stars on a t.v. show no one’s ever heard of. Think about the money they spend to just fuck with your head
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