Breaking news: The lottery is fake.

Want to win a billion dollars in the mega super lottery this weekend? Good luck, because it’s totally fake. New, exclusive reporting has brought the Intergalactic Business Report astounding evidence that the lotteries played by millions of Americans each year are actually not real at all. 
 
As part of a secret expose on the lottery industry, our inside spy reporter has uncovered 13 chilling reasons why the game you play in hopes of getting rich is a cruel hoax.
 
 
Below, he outlines in stunning clarity the 13 reasons why:
 
1. I have never known one person who has won it, ever.
 
2. Nobody I know knows anybody who has won it. 

3. Nobody who has ever “won” it has been a real person. 

4. That show, “my lottery dream house” seems very fake. 

5. The checks they present to people during the fake ceremony on t.v. are way too big to fit in anyone’s wallet. They are clearly fake checks. 

6. When they can’t find any fake people to pretend they won the lottery and be filmed with the big fake checks, they just say the winner wants to be anonymous. How convenient. 

7. The numbers in the lottery change almost every single time they announce them, making it nearly impossible to predict what they will be from one day to the next. 

8. It would almost be too perfect to just go into a store, play the lottery, and then magically win like a hundred million dollars that evening while you’re just sitting around on your crappy couch drinking a beer. 

9. They must know that if I won the lottery I would just spend the money on stupid shit and they would hate that. I guess. Because otherwise I would be allowed to win it. 

10. I once told someone (who could have been a lottery official*) that I might win the lottery one day. He scoffed and said, “Good luck with that.” Obviously, he took pleasure in knowing I could never win at his fake, fake game. 

11. The word “lottery” means “fake” in many ancient languages that no longer exist. Look it up if you don’t believe me. Wait. You can’t. 

12. I once had none of the numbers that were called. None. Which is impossible. 

13. Many lottery titles sound like porn movies (Powerballs) or drug references (Megahits), which are clearly inside jokes that make lottery officials laugh as we spend zillions on their fake games.  
 
 
*While we cannot verify beyond any doubt that this person was indeed a lottery official, we can say with certainty that he had the look of a man who deceives people on a grand scale and thinks it’s funny. Which would make him almost 100% likely to be a lottery official.