Breakthrough, proprietary research has given the Intergalactic Business Report a story that can only be described as stunning.
For centuries, humankind has been mystified by its canine companions. Why do they listen to us, sometimes, when we tell them to sit, rollover, and do any number of degrading tasks? Why do they not simply murder us in our sleep?
The Intergalactic Business Report presents to you the very first interview with an actual dog. While we cannot reveal how we were able to translate this animal’s speech and how it was able to understand our questions, suffice it to say we did it, and you should take our word for it, because it was scientific and makes sense if you understand science and how that works.
The subject, who we will simply refer to as “Jeff,” to hide his actual identity, answered several questions before running off and yelling something back to us, which we are still analyzing. We reveal the interview now:
Interviewer: Jeff, do you have a master? Or owner? I guess I should begin by asking you what you even call the person who cares for you.
Interviewer: Moving on, what would you like to say to all humans?
Interviewer: Do you have a dog name? One that your owner didn’t give you? One that dogs know you by or something like that?
Jeff: Rahfoot! (This is what we believe he said, or something that sounded like that. Maybe it was more like Raahft or Rffft.)
Interviewer: What do you like or hate the most about your life as a dog?
At this point Jeff took off. He did turn briefly to yell something back to us. We believe it was the word “Harfoote” or “Feroote” which may be a reference to either Hobbits or a French word so ancient it has lost its meaning and cannot be found in dictionaries.
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