Breaking scientific theory: most of us are probably alien “pets.”

A message to space aliens?

New scientific theorists have unveiled what is probably one of the most unsettling theories humankind has ever considered—that most or many of us are alien “pets” kept for the amusement of distant “owners” in other galaxies.
 
The theory originated recently in some part of the world* where scientists** meet and gather. While there, they discussed possible reasons for human existence and how the universe was formed. One of them then came forward with the alien pet theory. Everyone in the room was stunned.***
 
Although this massive and elaborate idea has many parts and scientific data to back it up to a point at which nobody can seriously contest its validity, we have broken it down into six highlights that somebody like you will understand. Here they are:
 
1. Light years ago**** an alien race created Earth and “grew” humans to populate it. After our population reached a higher level, they returned and came up with the idea to make us their pets. At first, some of the aliens were like, “Why would we want to do that?” And then other aliens were like, “No. It’s a good idea.” So it became a thing where you could have a pet if you wanted but you weren’t forced to and could be “petless.”
 
2. People didn’t know they were pets (and still don’t). For it to be fun for the aliens, their pets couldn’t know they were pets. There were a couple reasons for this. First, the emotional attachment was kind of scary for a lot of the aliens and, second, they had a way of just using us distantly, kind of like we were a real-life version of “the Sims” or something. This seemed like it would be really cool, so they went with it. 

3. At first, aliens did super nice things for their pets, and it was a great, symbiotic relationship. Even though they didn’t know the reasons why, human pets received all kinds of cool things from their alien owners. These included super powers, magic rocks, and all around good luck. If you had a really awesome owner, you might invent something suddenly, or become a king. Sometimes you woke up and your penis was gigantic. 

4. After a while, many of the aliens got bored with us. For a few hundred years, having a human pet was the most popular thing for many aliens. But then it got really boring and the aliens realized they were spending almost all their free time taking care of us and making sure they had the “perfect” human.  

5. Most aliens started neglecting their pets. Because they felt bad totally abandoning us, aliens technically still own their pets (us), but they don’t give a shit about our well-being anymore and this is the main reason why when you get up in the morning everything in your life sucks.  

6. Some humans are lucky, because a few of them still have owners who are super into owning them. When you see people who seem to have no reason to be as cool and rich as they are but they are anyway, it’s probably because they have an involved alien owner. Elon Musk, Matthew McConaughey, and the rapper 6ix9nine stand out.  
 
*A bar.
**Science is not an exclusive thing. We believe the universe has made us all scientists.
***Drunk.
****This means more than regular years.