Disappointment burn #1.
You are now the victim of the Intergalactic Business Report’s very first disappointment burn. Congratulations. You may be a little off balance, upset, or just super duper disappointed right now. That’s normal. Below we describe what just happened and how you can deal with it.
WHAT JUST HAPPENED: We promised a crazy bikini picture if you clicked. We have nothing.
HOW YOU SHOULD DEAL: Picture the craziest bikini photo ever with the hottest model you can imagine. Now pretend you’re seeing it. While this will never make up for not actually seeing the craziest bikini photo ever, it’s something, right?
WHAT JUST HAPPENED: With free internet porn in abundance, you still clicked to see a photo of a woman wearing clothing. Why?
HOW YOU SHOULD DEAL: Do an internet search for actual bikini photos or maybe just hardcore porn. There you go.
WHAT JUST HAPPENED: You are so bored with your life that instead of doing anything else, you took the time to click on something that promised the “craziest bikini photo ever.” What’s wrong with you?
HOW YOU SHOULD DEAL: Accept that you have reached a level so low in your life that you’re willing to not only click on random crap about bikinis, but also read this crap, which is really really crappy.
WHAT JUST HAPPENED: In a fleeting moment, you believed you’d get some small satisfaction by viewing a picture of some woman in a swimsuit. You are not satisfied at all and are, instead, reading this total nonsense, which just makes everything way way worse.
HOW YOU SHOULD DEAL: Go to the store. Buy a bikini. Wear it. Take a picture of yourself. Post it online. Or send it to us and we’ll post it.
WHAT JUST HAPPENED: You used your finger to click something that you knew deep down could never give you any true happiness. You did it anyway.
HOW YOU SHOULD DEAL: Take a moment to reconsider all your stupid actions. Ever. We’re going to bet it’s a long long list.
WHAT JUST HAPPENED: You spent three minutes of your life reading this instead of being with your family, exercising, or doing practically anything positive. You can never get this time back.
HOW YOU SHOULD DEAL: Probably just tell us to go fuck ourselves for even saying that because what a dickish thing to bring up. You could really say that to anyone about anything he/she ever does because how many of us do super productive, positive things ever? Exactly.
WHAT JUST HAPPENED: You have just been fucked in the mind.
HOW YOU SHOULD DEAL: It is up to you to decide whether or not you enjoy “mind sex.” If you like it, keep clicking on crappy crap like this and read the Intergalactic Business Report. We do dumb shit like this all the time.
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