Correction: The lottery is NOT fake, and we know how to win it... Every time

Contrary to previous exposes outlining how the lottery is fake, The Intergalactic Business Report has learned, stunningly, that not only is the lottery real, but that it can be easily won using the methods we detail below.
 
Yes, we understand that if everyone read this and followed it, then everyone would win the lottery. We also understand that the obvious question would be, why haven’t we just followed this and won the lottery ourselves, many times, before finally letting all of you assfaces in on it? The answer: we have integrity. And also because only three or four people in America will actually read this.
 
With that, let us offer you the eleven secrets to winning the lottery tonight, tomorrow, and every night.
 
1. Choose all the numbers. Don’t fill out a card and miss one. For example, if the lottery is six numbers, don’t just fill in five. Fill in six.
  
2. Hand the lottery card to the guy at the counter. This is crucial. Don’t drop the card somewhere or put it in your pocket and walk away. 

3. Pay the guy at the counter. If you don’t pay, your card will be invalid. 

4. If you want, you may want to do a “quick pick” or “easy pick.” This just means that a computer will randomly generate numbers for you. Yes, randomly! Also, it will choose exactly the amount of numbers you need to enter to win. 

5. If you do choose quick pick or easy pick make sure you pay for your ticket. We cannot stress this enough. If you don’t pay for your lottery ticket, you CAN’T win the lottery.  

6. Choose numbers within the range given. If the numbers only go up to 70, don’t try to pick 72 or 73. You’ll be frustrated and it could cost you winning the lottery. 

7. Choose different numbers. You cannot, in most lotteries, choose the same number for all your numbers. So pick different ones. 

8. Try to choose numbers you think have the best chance of winning. For instance, if you think the number 33 has a better chance to win than the number 68, then choose 33. Of course, that’s just one number of several you have to choose on your lottery card. After you’ve chosen the first number, then go on to the next one. Ask yourself: “Is this number likely to win?” If the answer is “yes” then choose it. Then move on to the next number, and so on. 

9. Buy at least one ticket total. If you feel like it, go ahead and buy two or even three. 

10. When you’re done purchasing your lottery ticket, make sure you check to see that you won. If you wait more than a year, it could be invalid. 

11. Enjoy being a fucking gazillionaire. *You’re welcome. 

*Now that you’re rich, look for our upcoming column on how to manage your lottery money. Coming soon.