Devastating psychological news: There will soon be only two personality types.

Whether it’s the Myers-Briggs test, astrology, or the advice of a hobo who’s attended the school of life, there is consensus that there are many different personality types. Until now. 
 
Breaking new evidence presented to the Intergalactic Business Report suggests a new trend in human personalities that could spell doom for those who want to live in a world where people aren’t all the same. 
 
Below, we provide the highlights of our two-thousand thirty-six page report, which show we are headed to a new era, where only two kinds of people will survive.
 
 
1. Soon everyone will either be a total asshole or someone who’s a pretty big dick, but not a total asshole… yet… In other words, there will soon be no one left who’s not a dick or asshole, and those who aren’t total assholes will be working on becoming them as soon as they can, mostly by observing and learning from the total assholes. 
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2. For many years, you had to really get to know people before deciding whether they were a total asshole or not. Today, it is much easier to determine, almost immediately. It will be even worse though, when people begin to simply announce that they are total assholes and even wear tee shirts and have tattoos signifying this. 

3. The people in the “pretty big dick but not a total asshole" category will still be self-aware enough to realize they are dicks, but they will still choose to become total assholes anyway. Most of them will say things like, “Yeah, I know I’m kind of a dick,” and then they’ll compare themselves to a total asshole and say, “But I’m not like Tony at least.” Then, when you see this dick next week, he’ll be hanging out with Tony and they’ll both be total assholes. 

4. All of this means that after the near future, we will all finally assume one personality type and be a planet of 100% total assholes. We decided not to go with this in our headline, because this is at least ten years away and we don’t want to jump ahead too much. 

5. To accelerate the vision for a 100% asshole planet, the total assholes will initiate a judgment day scenario in which the “pretty big dicks” will need to choose between staying who they are and committing to being total assholes. They will, of course, all choose to become total assholes. 

6. Finally, in the far future, Aliens will visit our planet and then report back to their mother ship. The report will simply be: Planet Earth, what a bunch of total assholes.