Every year you have the power to buy something you didn’t design or build yourself and hand it to someone with the expectation that the object you paid for somehow is a sign of how generous and amazing you are.
As gifts are unwrapped, you wait in anxiety, hoping your choices will be met with orgasmic cheer and crying. But what if it’s a fake orgasm? Through a deep psychological review, the Intergalactic Business Report finds that very often humans exhibit subtle “tells” and cues that indicate their approval or disapproval of a gift. If you see your recipient doing or saying any of these, they may not like their gift.
1. They mention, after unwrapping it, that they “didn’t invite you here” and that its “awkward when you show up and bring creepy gifts nobody asked for.” They add, “Is this monkey shit?”
2. They are very polite before opening the gift, but as soon as it is unwrapped they scream something about why did you put monkey shit in a box and wrap it and then give it to them.
3. They are constantly dialing the police and telling them that some guy they vaguely know from work came by and gave them gift-wrapped monkey shit.
4. They are distracted from the gift opening itself and steer the conversation towards other things, like why you would give someone monkey shit for Christmas.
5. Instead of appreciating the gift for its emotional relevance, they discuss it more intellectually, and ask where you found monkey shit and why you would think it was a good idea to package it as a gift and bring it to them.
6. They touch the gift and get monkey shit all over their hands and fingers. Something about this makes them lose their mind and they spend the next few minutes in a panic, running around the room, saying stuff like, “Get it off me!” and “What the fuck is this? Did someone say it's monkey shit?”
7. They say they really really like the gift, but you sense that can’t be true because you gave them a box of monkey shit.
Insights are given to you as a gift from our team of insight insiders.