Do you have a dog? Do you wonder why it does stuff? Do you ever talk to it, pretending it has any idea what you’re saying? Don’t worry. You’re like most people. Delusional and uneducated and probably an alcoholic, like my dad.
My name is David Eppsien, and I’ve been working with animals for more than thirty-five years (in dog years). Over that time, I’ve developed the ability to see into the minds of dogs and understand what they can’t express to people, like you.
First off, I AM NOT TRYING TO SELL YOU ANYTHING. (Unless that’s something you’d do). I’m just an expert animal interpreter and I function on a higher level than you. I’m almost like a god who sits in a cloud somewhere and complains about how much you smell. But what if I told you that my secrets could be learned. BY YOU.
Still not buying it? Let me tell you a few things I know that you don’t.
YOUR DOG HATES YOU.
Yes. That’s right. And I don’t mean every dog in the world hates his owner. I mean your dog. Yours personally. And that hatred is directed only towards you. Other people, he likes. You? No. How do I know? He told me.
YOUR DOG HATES IT MOST WHEN YOU DATE OTHER, NEW, STRANGE MEN.
If you’re super slutty, you probably break up with your boyfriend and then start dating new guys almost immediately. Dogs despise that. Just saying. So don’t be slutty.
WHAT WOULD YOUR DOG TELL YOU IF IT COULD?
It would say, “Get back with David. He’s not pathetic. He’s not a stalker. He’s not mentally unfit to be in a mature adult relationship.” That’s the dog talking. Not me.
I DO HAVE A PLAN FOR THE FUTURE, TINA.
Some people, like Tina Weathers, break up with their boyfriends after two and a half years of total bliss, love, and support. That’s probably why if you’re her, your dog hates you because you’re empty and don’t know how to love and he just sits there wondering when David’s going to come back and communicate with him. And yes, Tina, I can do that, because I’m going to be rich off this shit. Rich. And you’re going to be like, “But I thought he didn’t have a plan for the future besides his stupid I can talk to dogs bullshit.” Well it’s not bullshit, Tina. It’s real. Wait. Did you hear something? “Kah…” What was that? “Kah…” I heard it again. “Kah-Ching!!!!!” That’s money! And you don’t get any!
DOG TO HUMAN COMMUNICATION WILL BE A TWENTY BILLION DOLLAR INDUSTRY BY 2025.
That’s what dogs say, anyway. And, sure, maybe they don’t understand money and how much a billion is. It’s still a lot probably. And I’m going to be the guy who makes most of that money because I’m ahead of everyone else. I started it first. I am loyal and faithful and not a slut.
PLEASE TAKE ME BACK, TINA.
I don’t think you’re a slut. Unless you seriously had sex with Martin Piedmont. If you did you’d be so slutty. Did you seriously do that? Your dog would hate you if you did. That’s almost like animal abuse.
I’M DONE WITH THIS CONVERSATION. I’M GOING TO BE A DOG CELEBRITY AND DATE MODELS.
Did you hear that, Tina? Models. You can watch me on TMZ and all that crap and be like, “Oh, I dated that guy once,” and all your stupid friends will be like, “Really? No way. I can see why he’d dump you.” And you’ll be like, “He didn’t dump me. I dumped him,” and they’ll all start dying laughing because they don’t believe you.
David Eppsien told us he could talk to dogs. That was good enough for us, so we gave him this column. If you’d like to contact David, he can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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