Don’t shop without reading this. Nine things retail workers would love to tell you (but can’t) this Black Friday.

Uh oh, it’s the Friday that’s black. And it’s upon us now. Even though you could easily just do this shit online, you still drag yourself to the mall just to get a taste for what it’s like to breathe on other people and smell their fake cologne mix with their body odor. 
 
Whatever your perverse reason for subjecting yourself to this, you ought to be prepared. So the Intergalactic Business Report offers you an exclusive look at what’s happening behind the cash registers and in employee smoking lounges. 
 
After interviewing thousands of retail workers across America, we are able to release this shocking, world-twisting report on the secrets retailers want to tell you, but just can’t. We’ve taken the nine most terrifying revelations and listed them below:
 
 
1. When you’re checking out, retailers let you know if they like you or not with coded phrases. If they think you’re cool, they’ll probably say something like, “Want some blow?” or “Nice snatch.” If they say something like “Happy Holidays” or “Merry Christmas” they fucking hate you. Pretty much, if they don’t offer you drugs or comment on your vagina, they hate you. 

2. That shit in the back is poisonous. Generally, anything placed in the back of the store is either poisonous or will give you herpes if you touch it. This is why it’s placed in the back. Wonder how you got herpes? Now you know.  

3. Most dressing rooms are online porn cams broadcasting to Japan. Beware… Unless you’re into that kind of thing. 

4. They don’t wash their hands on purpose. In silent protest to your flagrant consumerism, most retail staff stop washing their hands starting the day after Thanksgiving and begin again on December 25. During that time, they make an effort to touch their nuts and butts as much as possible. 
 
5. Don’t ever ask for gift-wrapping. This is code that you are looking for someone to be your pimp. That can end very badly for you and you may spend Christmas “ho ho ho”-ing. Get it? 

6. Never buy playdough or slime from a can that looks as if it’s been opened, even if the retailer offers you an outrageous discount. We don’t think we need to elaborate on this one. 

7. Never order a “double latté” at the mall Starbucks, unless you want to get “double-latté-d” and are advertising it. 

8. Anything that can fit up an employee’s butt has been fit up an employee’s butt. It’s safer to buy larger objects, unless “Big Beef” Darryl is working there. In that case, even the huge stuff has been inside his ass. 

9. Most bathrooms are also online porn cams broadcasting directly to Japan. See number 2, above, and don’t do number 2. You get it.