After years of pretending they cared about leaders being nice and empathetic, the business world is finally turning its back on what some are calling the “emotional intelligence catastrophe” of the last several years.
Initiated by introverts and the guy nobody likes, emotional intelligence was the subject of many books and articles that no one read but that everyone pretended to have. The idea behind it was that people who could have real feelings and understand other people’s emotions were somehow superior to the lurking psychopaths who always seemed to get the promotion and pay raise over you.
As per usual, the Intergalactic Business Report delivers you what’s coming next, and it will change the way everyone works for the next twenty years at least.* After thousands of interviews with top U.S. business executives, trophy hunters, and life coaches, we reveal the latest management trend called “bitch training.”
Bitch training follows the simple premise that all workers are the managers’ “bitches” and, much like a pimp, he or she must manage them as though they are simply commodities whose holes are to be filled by paying customers. And these bitches need to be trained.
Below we chart the subtle but important differences between your emotional quotient (EQ) and your bitch training quotient (BTQ), which is a manager’s acumen and capacity for bitch training.
EQ: You listen to your employees. You really listen to what they’re saying.
BTQ: Listening is a sign of weakness and you need to get those bitches in line… now. When an employee is complaining to you about something, you just wait and stare. But you make it a really angry stare and make sure you turn off your hearing as you watch them squawk about their stupid complaint. Then, when they stop for a second, you fire them.
EQ: As a manager, you create an environment for your employees that feels safe and comfortable.
BTQ: You know that employees should feel their production is tied to their safety and that if they don’t do what you want, you might move their desk somewhere dangerous, like the abandoned building next store, or you might just murder them.**
EQ: You have an “open door” policy, in which employees feel comfortable entering your office at any time to share ideas, ask questions, or just say hello.
BTQ: Your “open door” is like a trap, where employees who come too close to it are captured by you screaming at them to come inside so you can verbally abuse and fire them.
EQ: You didn’t invent emotional intelligence, but you actually read the book by Daniel Goleman.
BTQ: You didn’t invent being an asshole, but you kind of feel like you’re perfecting it.
EQ: You remember people’s birthdays, hobbies, and the names of their spouses and children.
BTQ: The same. Only you do it so you can threaten their families, belittle their interests outside work, and give them impossible assignments on their birthdays.
EQ: You want to leave your office a better place than you found it and with good friends and memories.
BTQ: You will either leave behind a stable of mindless, soulless bitches, or you will burn the fucking place down as law enforcement closes in on your office.
*Estimated by the use of numerical data.
**You can’t actually murder them. But don’t let them think that.
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