Even more crushing life facts you need to handle today

One of these probably contains a spider.

Do you ever have those moments when you think, “you know, life is pretty great…”? Yeah, well forget about that and read this. As much as life offers you fleeting, feel-good moments, it also piles on the never-ending, feel-bad ones. Here’s a short list taken from a bigger list:
 
 
1. The checkout people at Walmart will always be slightly slower than the self-checkout machines. And the self-checkout machines are slower than shit. 

2. One of your friends will always suddenly be a superfan of whoever’s predicted to win the super bowl, even though he’s never shown an interest in football ever. 

3. When someone says you look like a celebrity, it will always be a super shitty one who’s ugly.
 
4. There is always a chance the avocado you just bought will have a huge fucking spider inside it. 

5. You will never be able to maintain a steady buzz for more than thirty-five minutes. 

6. That dude handling your food probably put his fingers up his butt.  

7. You look stupid when you wear a hockey jersey. Really stupid. 

8. You don’t have any deep political or philosophical views. You’re drunk. 

9. You don’t really “love” all the people you’re hugging. You’re shit-faced.  

10. When you say you’re going to kick someone’s ass, it means you’re just going to talk about kicking his ass, till everyone around you leaves because they’re sick of hearing you talk about it. 

11. Everyone does not have a million-dollar idea. The one you think you have is a ten dollar and forty-eight cents idea. 

12. You don’t have “street smarts.” You’re just dumb and that sounds better than saying, “I’m just dumb.” 

13. There’s some dude on a yacht somewhere with a bunch of models who are going to sleep with him because he’s rich. That dude is not you.