Kind of like in that song, “Sympathy for the Devil,” maybe you know the devil, but maybe you don’t and just think you do. Or maybe you do know him but you just can’t guess his name? That never made any sense to us.
Anyway, after years of searching for the real-life devil (and not ones from drugged out sixties songs) the Intergalactic Business Report finally located, captured, and interviewed the actual demon itself. Held in a small cage in an undisclosed location, he was contained only by our “cane of truth,” which we bought on the internet and which served to hold the door of his rickety cell shut.
These are the highlights of the mind-bending, metaphysical, life-shifting exchange:
INTERVIEWER: You are clearly the devil, but you go by the name “Ruben” for some reason. Why is that?
DEVIL: I was eating a Ruben sandwich when you pulled me out of the deli and threw me in a van. My name isn’t Ruben.
INTERVIEWER: Fair enough. But you don’t dispute that you are the devil. Is that correct?
DEVIL: I totally dispute that. My name is Mark _______, and I’m from ______. Please let me go. This is a huge misunderstanding. I won’t press charges. Just please let me go.
INTERVIEWER: You’ll understand if we blank out your name and where you’re from for the print version of this?
DEVIL: Can I please leave?
INTERVIEWER: I don’t know. Can you? All you need to do is remove the cane of truth and walk out of here.
(At this point in the interview, the Devil, also known as Mark Jeffries from Overland Park Kansas, removed the cane of truth and walked out of his cell. We quickly lost track of him as he broke into a devilish run and disappeared into an Uber, which appeared in an almost supernatural seven minutes. We pleaded with the devil to go back into his cage, but he was like, “get the fuck off me,” and acted like a total dick. Which is how you’d expect the devil to be.)
Follow up: Mark Jeffries, the devil, is suing us for a bunch of shit. Which is exactly what the devil would do.
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