Kind of like when you see someone at a party, and he knows your name and is super friendly, but you have no idea who he is, your dog is like that with you. And you’re the annoying guy who’s all like, “Hey, man. How’s it going? It’s so cool to see you again.”
Well, it’s not cool. And you’re not either. At least in your dog’s view. To him, you are nothing more than a possible food supplier and constant annoyance.
A new exclusive study commissioned by the Intergalactic Business Report reveals what many of us had sensed for years. That your dog’s jumpy enthusiasm is little more than a cynical act.
Although the study is thousands of pages, we’ve taken out these crucial excerpts that prove beyond any doubt that your “trusted” pet is a total dick.
1. Dogs wave their tails as a way of saying, “get the fuck away from me. I’ll hit you with this tail.” That’s why he wags it so furiously whenever you’re nearby.
2. Every time you leave the room, your dog totally forgets who you are. This isn’t because dogs have poor memories. It’s because you are so totally unimportant they choose to discard even tiny recollections of you.
3. If your dog had a phone, he would block your calls. Dogs communicate through sound, smell, and body language. But if it were possible for them to have phones, they would choose to ignore you completely, immersing themselves in screen time and YouTube videos. When you tried to call them, it would go straight to voicemail. Even if your message got through, they’d listen for a second and then erase it, assuming it was a telemarketer.
4. If you went to high school with your dog he wouldn’t say hi to you in the hallway. Imagine being trapped in a house with Myron Beatleneck, captain of the dork team at Central High. You’re Myron. Your dog is anyone else.
5. Your dog would blow you off at the mall. If your dog weren’t forced to hang out with you on weekends, she would tell you she’d meet you at the mall, but then when you got there she’d be with some other people and ignore you.
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