The Intergalactic Business Report’s fitness expert, Jonny Ripkin, creator of the Shred and Fed Diet, tells you why it’s o.k. to become overweight during the pandemic. His message to everyone, below:
WHO I AM:
Let me get my intro out of the way. I’m Jonny Ripkin, fitness expert who has changed lives and futures (and sometimes even pasts) with my controversial methods for reshaping bodies and minds.
WHO YOU ARE:
Good question, right? You probably have never been asked that before in your life and it’s about time someone asked. But before you say anything, I’m going to answer for you. You’re a fat piece of crap, eating everything in sight, as you hole up in quarantine or lockdown, or whatever they’re calling it nowadays. But guess what? It’s totally fine. That’s right. I said IT’S TOTALLY FINE THAT YOU’RE FAT AND UNWILLING TO LIFT A MUSCLE OR STOP PILING FOOD IN YOUR FACE FOR ONE SECOND.
ARE YOU CRAZY, JONNY?
Another good question. Technically I’m what you call a bipolar narcissist, but that’s the kind of label that gets thrown on you when you’re perfect and a psychologist with stupid glasses feels inferior just being in the same room.
IS IT REALLY O.K. NOT TO EXERCISE OR EAT RIGHT?
Not only is it o.k., but it might be your one chance to do this and not be seen as a total bag of shit. Think about it. You eat. No one cares. NO ONE SEES YOU. You get fatter. NO ONE SEES YOU. Why? Because you’re stuck inside your house, with no place to go. Want to tell people you’re working out every day and eating good foods? Go ahead. THEY’LL NEVER KNOW.
IS THIS SOUND MEDICAL ADVICE?
Not if I were a “doctor” or “health person.” But it is sound medical advice if you’re someone who just doesn’t give a shit about anything anymore. And, let’s face it, after two, three months of being locked up in your home, do any of us really give a shit about anything anymore? So, to answer your question, yes, it’s very sound advice.
I LIKE WHAT YOU’RE SAYING JONNY, BUT HOW DO I CONVINCE MY SPOUSE?
You’re married? Fuuuuuck. Wow. You’re fucking married? Why?
WHAT IF I GET SO FAT I CAN’T FIT THROUGH THE DOORWAY OF MY HOUSE WHEN THIS IS OVER?
I get this question all the time and the answer is simple. They take the roof off your house and something called the “jaws of life” comes in and scoops you out, like a fat scoop of ice cream.
DOES EXERCISING EVEN WORK ANYWAY?
Now you’re starting to get it. I did a study once where I took a rat, a prostitute, and a gallon of fat and only the prostitute came out of the experiment with a rating of: "O.k. I’d do this again." I think that’s what science proves about exercise.
JONNY. YOU SOUND HOT. IS THERE ANY WAY I CAN PORK YOU?
Yeah. There’s a way. And it’s easier than you think. Can you breathe? And do you have a hole? Maybe you’re a dolphin! HAW! I love making jokes. But yeah, I’ll have sex with you.
DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING ELSE TO SAY, JONNY?
Jonny Ripkin is the fitness expert for the Intergalactic Business Report. His controversial methods for weight loss and muscle building are changing the way we see health, fitness, weight loss, and some other things. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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