Fitness expert Jonny Ripkin: Summer’s over. You’re still fat. What to do right now.
The Intergalactic Business Report’s fitness expert, Jonny Ripkin, creator of the Shred and Fed Diet is back with some advice if you didn’t reach your goals this summer.
WHO I AM:
I’m Jonny Ripkin, a fitness expert whose body is exactly what you wish you had but you don’t.
WAS THAT HARSH?
Yes. And I did that on purpose. I pointed out that the body you have is not the body you want. But I also pointed out that even if you did have the body you want, you couldn’t have it, because that would be my body and two people can’t occupy the same body. I tell my clients and friends this because it shows them that no matter how hard they try, they can never get what they want.
“WAIT, JONNY. DID YOU JUST SAY I CAN WORK AS HARD AS I WANT AND NEVER GET THE BODY I WANT?”
Yes I did. Whatever you do, it will never be enough unless you could somehow become me, which would involve penetrating my dojo and beating me in some kind of highlander battle, and even then it wouldn’t work because how would you physically get inside my body after you defeated me (which you could never do)?
“HOLD UP, JONNY. DOES THIS MEAN I SUCK?”
Yes. As far as fitness and how great your body looks you suck. But just compared to me.
BUT WAIT. THERE’S HOPE.
I wouldn’t write this whole thing just to discourage you from reaching your dreams. All I’m saying is that your dreams can’t include matching me in any way. But you can have little dreams that are totally doable.
YOU WASTED THE PANDEMIC AND GOT FATTER EVEN THOUGH YOU THOUGHT THAT WAS IMPOSSIBLE.
Just a comment.
SO, WHAT SHOULD YOU DO TO LOSE WEIGHT?
I look at a lot of my clients and think, “This fat piece of shit actually got off the couch and walked in here. That means he can walk.” That’s a start. And if you can walk, you may be able to fast walk and even jog a little before you go into cardiac arrest. And it’s in those moments between sitting on your couch and having the paramedics arrive that your body is burning fat and building muscle.
“THAT SOUNDS PRETTY GRIM, JONNY,” YOU’RE WHINING RIGHT NOW.
Yes, your impending death is something you deal with every day and I’m sorry (I guess?). It’s not really any of my business so I try to stay out of that.
ANY ADVICE, JONNY?
Yes. Manage your goals. For a lot of people, being in shape just isn’t their thing. It’s like being attractive or smart or successful. It may not be for you. So don’t be ashamed. Just follow my biggest piece of advice, coming up next…
MATCH YOUR DREAM WITH YOUR ABILITY.
Kind of like Marxism (I think), you should only be judged on your need and ability. In your case, you need to lose weight, but you don’t have the ability. Is that how that works? My editor’s always telling me I need to get deeper and sound more “philosophical.” I think I accomplished that here.
WHAT’S THE FINAL MESSAGE I WANT TO SAY TO YOU?
Just believe in yourself. Stop judging. I think you’re beautiful (that message is just for hot chicks, so ignore if you’re not). You don’t need to be anybody to anyone except your fat self. That’s good enough. It’s not like they’re rounding up fat people. It’s not against the law or anything.
Jonny Ripkin is the fitness expert for the Intergalactic Business Report. His controversial methods for weight loss and muscle building are changing the way we see health, fitness, weight loss, and some other things. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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