Fitness guru Jonny Ripkin’s no work diet plan can give you a summer beach body by tomorrow morning at six a.m.
The Intergalactic Business Report’s fitness expert, Jonny Ripkin, creator of the Shred and Fed Diet, gives you exclusive tips on how to not only get a beach body that turns heads, but also a beach body that makes people want to stick their dick in you after they turn their heads. And you can get it all by six a.m. tomorrow morning.
INTRO TO ME:
My name is Jonny Ripkin and I have a perfect body. Do you? Then I suggest you shut up and listen.
INTRO TO YOU:
You have one of those bodies where people say, “Yeah… They’re kind of fat. Not totally fat. Maybe not morbidly obese, but… No, I take that back. They’re morbidly obese.”
WHAT DO YOU AND I HAVE IN COMMON?
That’s a tough one. How is it possible that a person like you and a person like me could have any, even miniscule, similarities? Well, I’m here to tell you that we have one giant thing in common. Want to guess what that is? It’s simple. We both look at my body and agree that it looks amazing and, if you’re into it, fuckable. (Full disclosure: I’m into it).
O.K., JONNY, I GET IT. YOU LOOK UNBELIEVABLE AND I’M FAT. NOW WHAT?
I love that question. And I get it all the time. Lucky for you, I have a perfect solution that gets you to lose fat, look amazing, and give you the confidence to walk onto a porn set and say, “Who needs some?”
WHAT IF I’M NOT INTO DOING PORN, JONNY?
Good one. That’s funny. Anyway, you trim down, you work out, and then you start having sex in front of other people. Oh, and I film it.
DID YOU SAY THAT YOU, JONNY RIPKIN, FILM IT?
Only if my guy, Chico, isn’t there. He doesn’t always show up. And in that case, yes, I will be filming you having sex.
I THOUGHT THIS WAS A DIET PLAN, BUT NOW IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU’RE TRYING TO RECRUIT PEOPLE TO BE IN PORNOS.
It’s a diet plan that ALSO requires you to shoot porn with me.
THIS IS WEIRD AND UNCOMFORTABLE.
Good. You just passed the first test. Now you can really start losing weight.
THE STUFF ABOUT THE PORN WAS A TEST?
Yes, it makes your hormones disfunction in a way that accelerates calorie burning. You start to think that you’re going to be in a degrading porn shoot and then you lose weight as your body sheds pounds in a reaction to the stress.
SO AM I LOSING WEIGHT RIGHT NOW?
Yes. So much weight. But in order to keep that going, you need to be in a porn tomorrow at six a.m. at an address I’ll give you in a DM.
HA HA. I GET IT. THIS IS PART OF THE TRICK TO MESS WITH MY HORMONES AND EVERYTHING?
Yes and no. I seriously need someone to be in a porn tomorrow or I won’t be able to pay my rent and I’ll just have to do a solo masturbation scene again and nobody wants to buy that shit anymore because they say that I “don’t know what the fuck I’m doing” and that they "didn’t ask" me to send this to them and that they’ll "call the cops” if I “send this shit" to them again and that they "have kids” and “who are you anyway?”
I’ll DM you with details.
Jonny Ripkin is the fitness expert for the Intergalactic Business Report. His controversial methods for weight loss and muscle building are changing the way we see health, fitness, weight loss, and some other things. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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