Morality. It’s a thing. And at the Intergalactic Business Report, we believe in it. That’s why we began requiring our team to adhere to strict guidelines when it comes to their personal lives that are, we believe, extensions of their work lives and reflect upon us.
To be honest, the “morality clause” thing started when we learned that a cast member of “Pawn Stars” was let go because it turned out she was super hot and there were some nude photos of her. From the super hot Vanessa Williams who had to give up her Miss America crown because she had naked pics, to super hot high school English teacher Olivia Sprauer, it seemed that every time there were rules or standards for morality in place, some hot chick broke them. We believed strongly that if we could just enact our own decency codes, we would be able to produce our own hot chick to defy them.
Instead, we may have to fire our own Cedric Bigglestone and others who immediately broke almost all our rules and instead of being super hot women, were not. Below we cite the list of offenses.
MORALITY RULE: No active work as a “porn star.”
HOW IT WAS BROKEN: Although it was only fruit sex, Cedric Bigglestone was able to start his own channel, claiming that in the future he would have real people and not just fruit. He then tried a thing where he found fruit that looked like celebrities but they didn’t really and he would yell at the camera and say shit about using your imagination better. And then the channel kind of just stopped after a while. But he did it, so morality code broken.
MORALITY RULE: No podcasts or radio broadcasts where you pretend to felate objects your listeners send you.
HOW IT WAS BROKEN: Cedric’s podcast, “I suck your objects,” lasted one episode and it was doubtful that listeners had actually sent anything to him since he had zero listeners. Except for Human Resources, that is.
MORALITY RULE: No suggesting publicly that you have sex with fruit or cats.
HOW IT WAS BROKEN: Everyone has made a joke about or expressed a fantasy about fruit or cat sex but saying it publicly is the issue. We set the parameters at it being fine if two or three people heard it but not if any number over four did. Cedric Bigglestone started talking about fucking a watermelon to three colleagues one day and then a fourth one walked in and heard it too. That’s when we cuffed him and led him out of the office.*
MORALITY RULE: No erotic dancing for money.
HOW IT WAS BROKEN: We felt strongly that Geoffrey, an intern, was dancing suggestively for us even though he claims he has a physical disability. Looked like sexy dancing to us.**
MORALITY RULE: No saying, “I’m a prostitute. I will suck your dick in the office bathroom for $75.”
HOW IT WAS BROKEN: This was actually a company password used to confirm someone was an employee. There were times at office retreats when everyone was asked to shout this. And management would say stuff like, “We can’t hear you!” and then they would shout it louder and then one of us would try to pay one of them seventy-five dollars. So we are all kind of guilty of this one.
MORALITY RULE: No showing your snatch on t.v.
HOW IT WAS BROKEN: We decided that the internet was not “t.v.” so unless a network is ready to greenlight a show where Cedric Bigglestone holds his iphone camera over his “snatch” for two hours, he’s safe.
*We have since learned that it is “illegal” to cuff employees and do anything afterwards with them.
**Yeah, Geoffrey, according to “doctors” has something that makes him look like he’s sexy dancing. Our bad. It’s not like we were paying him anyway.
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