How to get your relatives to stop talking to you this Thanksgiving.

It’s Thanksgiving. You’ve been drinking all day because it’s the only way to numb your soul as your relatives blather on about politics, sports, and their useless, boring jobs. Once in a while, they look over at you for approval or to just check if you’re still awake. And then one of them asks you a question… Something stupid like, “What do you think about that, Steve?” And now you’re in that fatal position where you either must answer with a generic, non-confrontational response like, “Oh, I don’t know. I can see where both of you are coming from.” Or you can start screaming, because that’s what you really want to do.
 
Lucky for you, the Intergalactic Business Report gives you nine responses that will shut down any conversation immediately. When you hear the question, simply say one of these (preferably in a super super loud voice):
 
THEIR DUMB QUESTION: Think the Lions are gonna win today?
WHAT YOU’D USUALLY SAY: I don’t know… I guess we’ll see…
WHAT YOU SAY THIS THANKSGIVING: You fucked the turkey? Why would you do that? Did you pull out? Tell me you didn’t do it inside the turkey! Come on man! Hey, mom! Uncle Randy fucked the turkey!
 
THEIR DUMB QUESTION: How you been?
WHAT YOU’D USUALLY SAY: Oh, pretty good. Can’t complain.
WHAT YOU SAY THIS THANKSGIVING: That’s such good advice on how to suck a dick. Thank you.
 
THEIR DUMB QUESTION: So… Who did you vote for President?
WHAT YOU’D USUALLY SAY: Oh, we probably shouldn’t talk about politics. Let’s change the subject.
WHAT YOU SAY THIS THANKSGIVING: I voted for your wife to stop finger banging herself all the time but I guess I lost, huh?
 
THEIR DUMB QUESTION: You get any Christmas shopping done yet?
WHAT YOU’D USUALLY SAY: I haven’t even started.
WHAT YOU SAY THIS THANKSGIVING: I tried to buy you a dildo but they didn’t have any big enough to fit in your ass. I called the zoo to see if they had any hippo dildoes, but they said that’s not a thing. Sorry.
 
THEIR DUMB QUESTION: Come on… Seriously. Who’d you vote for?
WHAT YOU’D USUALLY SAY: I never vote for a party. Just for the person. Let’s just leave it at that.
WHAT YOU SAY THIS THANKSGIVING: I always vote for whoever’s face most resembles a penis. So I voted for you.
 
THEIR DUMB QUESTION: You want another beer?
WHAT YOU’D USUALLY SAY: Sure. Thank you.
WHAT YOU SAY THIS THANKSGIVING: No I won’t suck your dick for a dollar!
 
THEIR DUMB QUESTION: Do you think this country is moving in the right direction?
WHAT YOU’D USUALLY SAY: I try to be optimistic about the future.
WHAT YOU SAY THIS THANKSGIVING: I think they should build a wall around your ass to keep all the foreigners out. But I have a feeling you’d keep letting them in anyway, right?
 
THEIR DUMB QUESTION: Do you want a drumstick?
WHAT YOU’D USUALLY SAY: Sure! Thanks!
WHAT YOU SAY THIS THANKSGIVING: I made a poopy.
 
THEIR DUMB QUESTION: Do you prefer white or dark meat?
WHAT YOU’D USUALLY SAY: A little of both please.
WHAT YOU SAY THIS THANKSGIVING: In my ass or in my mouth?