“I don’t want to help you…” IBR’s motivational expert doesn’t see the point in sharing his success secrets with you, but he does have one request.
You’ve probably seen motivational speakers, self-help gurus, and life coaches try to sell you “systems” and books that will change you from a loser with no direction into a loser who pays them money and whose direction is to buy shit from them.
To counter this, the Intergalactic Business Report has enlisted its own success expert, who takes a different view on what he should do with his vast wisdom and universe-opening insights. Delver Synge sees no reason to share anything. See his note to us below:
Dear Intergalactic Business Report:
Although you’re the only publication I read, because you cut through the bullshit and offer even the dumbest human beings a shot at enlightenment with your arresting articles, solid advice, and breaking news no one else covers, I cannot accept your offer to share any of my motivational success knowledge with your readers.
Let me explain why. The only reason a motivational speaker or success coach “shares” his secrets is because his secret to wealth and success is selling you his shit. My shit is not for sale.
I wrote a book, which contains most of the answers to alleviate human suffering and turn even the sorriest loser into a millionaire with a hot wife, practically overnight. That book lies in a safe in my fortress-like mansion. It will be burned upon my death by one of my loyal servants with whom I will also never share my secrets, because if I did, they would move out and be as rich as I am and therefore useless to me.
Which is why I can’t give you my knowledge. If I let that happen, everyone would be successful and there would be no need for toll booth operators, hotel clerks, prostitutes, or even crossing guards at schools. Overnight, our society would collapse and be nothing more than mansions and Lamborghinis. Except that no one would be around to build any of those anymore, because all the auto workers and construction guys would be ordering their own luxury cars and trying to build their own sick mega compounds. You can imagine how horrible that would be for humankind, and especially for me, who would be suddenly average.
So, in conclusion, go fuck yourselves. And please tell anyone else who asks for more information about what I know and can do for them to also immediately fuck themselves too. They can do this any way they want, using outside tools and unapproved devices. I don’t really care, so long as they thoroughly fuck themselves and never ask me for anything again.
Thank you for your interest and I remain committed to hiding the secrets of the universe from you and everyone else.
Insights are given to you as a gift from our team of insight insiders.