I drank non-alcoholic beer for a week instead of booze and it had a shocking effect. By Cedric Bigglestone.
Until a week ago, I had never considered drinking non-alcoholic beer. To be truthful, I never thought of drinking non-alcoholic anything. What’s the point, I thought? The reason we drink is to catch a little buzz and lighten up a bit.
Nevertheless, I gave it a try for my "Dry January" column for the Intergalactic Business Report. What happened next surprised me. After not drinking alcohol for a week, I noticed some striking changes in my life. I share all of them below:
-I felt as if I could make a reasonable assessment of who the people I was speaking to were.
-I stopped urinating in my pants as I sat in front of the t.v. that I can’t figure out how to control (see below).
-I discovered a calculator device that, when pressed, seems to make the television turn on and sometimes switch programs if you wait long enough.
-I found that my voice has different “volumes,” which I can alter simply by thinking to my brain. Previously, I had thought there was only one sound level.
-I lost my desire to see what I could fit up my butt.*
-Neighborhood children stopped calling me, “AHHHHHHH! Here he comes!”
-I successfully had sex with fruit without losing my erection.
-I called an old friend who wasn’t my sixth-grade school librarian who has a restraining order against me even though she’s in an elder care facility and you’d think she’d like the attention because who the fuck would want to call her?
-I stopped filming my poop.**
-I gave back the otter to that kid.
-I ceased the obscene “Mr. T” phone calls to my mom.
-I came to the understanding that my robot is a mannequin I stole from a sporting goods store and that it doesn’t really love me even though the sex was consensual.
-I realized that you cannot give yourself martial arts training if you have no experience in martial arts.
-I stopped construction of the “troll hole” I was building to tunnel into my neighbor’s house.
-I no longer am able to use the time portal in my bathroom that allowed me to enter other dimensions.
*Some have suggested this is because I have “run out of things,” but I contend it is the not drinking. Even though I have run out of things.
**Old films are still available. Hit me up.
Cedric Bigglestone is a self-taught journalist who exposes things through exposés. Contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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