I moved from Illinois to Texas. Here’s why I will never do it again.

Americans are moving out of Illinois in record numbers. Here’s one man’s account of his experience leaving the Land of Lincoln and why he’ll never make that move again.
 
 
 
Why I’ll never move from Illinois to Texas again, by Jeff Vandandy.
 
About two years ago, I saw a job listing at a company that wasn’t in my state. “That’s a long way from here,” I thought as I applied online for the position. I said this because I was from Illinois and the job was in Texas (I won’t say which town, but I will tell you the state, as you can see). 
 
Anyway, it turned out I must have had a pretty good résumé, because the company in Texas contacted me a few days later and asked if I would do an interview. I greedily accepted the chance to present a version of myself to them over a Zoom call.
 
During the call, everything was going great. There were two people interviewing me and when they asked questions, I answered. One time, I started answering while the guy was still asking the question and we both stopped and laughed before he said something like, “You must be reading my mind or something!” In reality, I wasn’t. What I did was just kind of predict what he was going to ask me based on the first part of his sentence, which was something about how people I worked with would describe me. The guy started with, “How would people who work with you des…” and I just jumped in. It was a pretty sweet moment, first because I nailed the answer and second because I was named as someone with psychic powers and abilities. 
 
I actually thought about following up my answer with something about how I might blow both of their fucking heads up using my mind if they didn’t hire me. I figured that would complete the “joke cycle” I had started with the one dude. I didn’t say that though and they offered me the job anyway. I guess I will save that for when I have my first performance review.
 
At the end of this story, I move to Texas, so I’m just going to skip to that. Texas was weird. At first. I’d grown up in Illinois so everything seemed really different, at least in the way it was way hotter in the winter and also there were some restaurants I didn’t recognize. But, they had food and everything, so it wasn’t that bad. I could eat, and I wasn’t going to die or anything. 
 
Ultimately, though, I came to the conclusion that I will never, ever, make the move from Illinois to Texas again. Here’s why:
 

1. It’s almost impossible to duplicate anything you’ve done once, again. I know that’s getting into a way deep conversation, but basically what I’m saying is that to make the exact same move, I would need to almost go back in time or something and if I were able to do that I would probably concentrate on sports betting and ruining the end of awards shows and series finales instead of moving to Texas. But, let’s just say I could do that, and, after I’d won a ton of money and tricked people by predicting stuff and they’re like, “Woah, are you psychic or something?” and then I threatened to blow up their heads with my powers, I think I would probably just stay in Illinois, mostly because I guess I wouldn’t need a job.   

 
Anyway, these guys asked me to write this, so I did. I’m done now. 

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